Peter G (sinetimore) wrote,
Peter G

Junior Matlock Club -- Blast From The Past

So I'm talking with some friends and explaining this whole "Junior Matlock Club" thing and where it came from.  It originated with a Chicago DJ named Robert Murphy, complete with the oath and everything.  As I talked, I reminisced about some of the funny stories of criminals who didn't know what they were doing, and I remembered what I thought was the greatest Junior Matlock Club story ever.  So, Robert Murphy, wherever you are, this one's on me, dude.

"Now, it is from little misdemeanors that major felonies grow.  And it is my duty -- it is ANYBODY'S duty -- to stop them before they get too far.  NOW THE LAW MUST BE UPHELD!"

The best story featured on the original Junior Matlock Club concerned the attempted theft of the Millennium Star diamond.  When we were partying like it was 1999 (because it WAS), there was the Millennium Village set up, and among the displays was this huge diamond.  A bunch of thieves decided to try and steal it but they got caught.  The news didn't really explain it, they just said they tried and got nabbed.

Which is a shame.  Because that's where the real entertainment for the story was.

So, this group decides to steal the Millennium Star diamond from its display case in the Millennium Village.  The plan was actually very James Bond.  They would first break through the front doors with a bulldozer.  Then, get to the display and hit the glass with nail drivers, shattering it.  Grab the diamond and split to the docks, where an accomplice was waiting in a speedboat with the motor running.  Get to international waters, and you're home free.

Well, the first mistake is the number of people involved.  Someone talked, and word got back to the cops.  In fact, when the epic raid started at the Millennium Village, the police had already apprehended the boat driver.  Before the thieves got there, the diamond was replaced with a fake and all the janitorial staff was replaced with undercover cops.  All they'd have to do is wait, and they'd have the easiest pinch of their lives.

So here comes the thieves, riding through the countryside in the bulldozer (which is a GREAT way to draw attention to yourself).  With a mighty battle cry, they broke through the main door, got inside the Millennium Village....

...and promptly got lost.

They wandered around the Village trying to find the display (let's see, destruction of property, breaking and entering, theft of the bulldozer, you might as well steal a tourist map while you're there so you can see what the hell you're supposed to do).  Meanwhile, the cops disguised as janitors are trying to get their attention and point them in the direction they need to go to get to the diamond.

The thieves finally stumble across the diamond display.  As the cops watched, the thieves brought up the nail drivers, put them on the glass case, and hit them.

Nothing happened.  The glass was too thick for the nail drivers to do anything more than scratch it.

The police figured they had enough to book the guys on and made the arrest.  But there you go...the Spinal Tap of jewel heists.  Brought to you by the Junior Matlock Club.
Tags: duh, junior matlock club, stupidity, wtf
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