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Yoga Barely

Long before the classic South Park episode "Moop", I had always been amazed at the Christian market.  Take anything you can buy anywhere else but tag it with something Christian.  I'm not talking about a Christian spin.  That means incorporating Christian beliefs into whatever is going on.  I'm talking about just taking something, doing something to say, IT'S CHRISTIAN!, and it'll sell like hot cakes.  Hey, here's an idea -- Testamints!  Breath mints, but with a cross on them!  And the wrapper we can put some line of Scripture!  That's not something I came up with off the top of my head, you can buy them at better (if there is such a thing) Christian bookstores everywhere.  They're just breath mints, but they have a cosmetic Christian trapping and cost more per use than Tic Tacs or Altoids.  I really did get into the wrong line of work.

Really quick, I want to clarify something.  This isn't to say that people who buy Christian things are idiots.  What people buy is a form of self-expression.  It's a matter of identity.  Some people are proud to say they are Christian and will buy personal items that reflect that.  Home decorations, music, that DDR knockoff that uses Christian bands, whatever, it's no different than my buying habits for Pokemon related items and such, the only difference is the subject matter.  So, no, I'm not saying people shouldn't buy Christian stuff.  If you like it and want to show it off to the world, that is your God-given right.

Yes, that includes things like the workout videos by Donna Richardson.  Donna Richardson made Christian aerobics videos.  They must have sold pretty well, given that she kept making them.  However, Richardson got her start as one of the hosts of a show called ESPN Fitness Pros, which, like the 20 Minute Workout and the workout tapes by Cindy Crawford, Kathy Ireland, Elle Macpherson, and Ginger Lynn Allen (yes, she really did make one, and it pretty much went the way you think), realized there was sex appeal in seeing people with great bodies in tight clothing (there were some great shots of Richardson and the other girls in thong-backs.  Oh yeah, aerobics gets your heart rate up, all right).  I would think that would kind of make her videos a tougher sell with the Christian crowd (and, in addition to, on top of that, would indicate that Richardson is just capitalizing on a market, there's no personal faith involved), but like I said, they kept making new ones.  So it was either forgive and forget or pay no attention to her past.

Where I have a problem is when these things are made and bought under the claim that it is so Christians can live "without compromise."  Some people making these items and people buying them are doing it because they want to have or experience these things, but the Real World versions are somehow tainted.  So here's a pure alternative, enabling you to do whatever without those icky counter values.  It's substitution, that's all.  And it doesn't stem from "I am a Christian," it stems from, "Christianity is superior, and not only will I refuse anything that doesn't promote that, but I will support the most trivial things that have nothing to do with it but reaffirm my personal bias."  It's not identity, it's discrimination.

I don't do yoga.  I tried it and, in a fit of "This ain't so tough", nearly fractured my ankles (I know, I know...my doctor didn't believe me, either).  But yoga works for lots of people (the genetic dividing line seems to be you are built for power or for flexibility).  But did you know there's something.... EVIL about yoga?  Yoga postures are actually offerings to the 330 million Hindu gods!  They focus on chakras!  Supposedly, 9 out of 10 Hindus say yoga is Hinduism!  It is subversion!

So what's a Christian to do?  Why, you can have all the benefits of yoga without affiliating yourself with a false religion!  "Here's PraiseMoves (r)  -- The Christian ALTERNATIVE to Yoga!" (sic).  The web page asks rather rhetorically, "Are you looking for a way to Get Fit WITHOUT COMPROMISE?"  (Uh, I believe that's called "boot camp".)  Basically, it's yoga with some slight changes to the postures and poses (if you've even casually followed yoga, you'll recognize the analogs of many of the poses) and different names, so you can do the thing without affiliating yourself with non-Christian religion.  It apparently is selling and has a following, because it's been turned into a TV show on TBN.

If you want to wall yourself away from the outside world because your faith is so weak any outside belief will taint it, that's up to you.  But don't act like you are part of some bold and glorious revolution.  You're cowards, hiding away from aspects you can easily resist but you have no faith in yourself.  God believes in you, why don't you?


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 13th, 2010 04:43 pm (UTC)
I hate to say this, but this approach is nothing new to Christianity. After all, isn't Christmas just the "no compromise" version of the pagan winter solstice celebration? And don't get me started on Easter.

Wait, does that mean that the Jackhammer Jesus Dildo is a "no compromise" sex toy?
Feb. 13th, 2010 08:44 pm (UTC)
As for the first paragraph -- unknown, but highly likely. If we assume the Gospels are historical records (I know, I know, but this assumption has to be made for the sake of the discussion), then Christmas BECAME the "no compromise" winter solstice celebration. It's understandable that Christians would turn the birthday of their Savior into a holy day (holiday), but IIRC, it was originally a few months before December, and the Church moved the date specifically to "compete" with the pagan celebrations. I also understand the Resurrection didn't occur around spring, but don't quote me on this. So those days may have started out as an individual celebration of faith, but got moved around into being what you say.

This isn't to say there aren't still problems. If Christmas is supposed to be a "no compromise" winter solstice celebration, it's manage to incorporate a lot of things it was intended to exclude (der Krismuss tree, for example, actually came from German pagans). Selective enforcement? You be the judge.

As for the Jackhammer Jesus? I imagine, if you listen to the things users are yelling ("Oh, God!"), you could construe that as having a religious experience. Kind puts a new spin on "having Jesus deep inside you." Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Feb. 13th, 2010 09:07 pm (UTC)
Check out dat Christian side hug!

Feb. 13th, 2010 09:57 pm (UTC)
Good Morning, Floor. Would You Like Some Jaw?

Just wow.

Like the mosquito said when he flew over the nudist colony, "I knew what I was supposed to do. I just didn't know where to start." I mean, this is a special kind of stupid.

You know when rappers are bad bad bad is when THEY MAKE VANILLA ICE LOOK GOOD! These guys make the No Cussin' Club look like the Digital Underground.

Guys can only hug girls from the side or you'll be sexually tempted? What's next, burkas? No woman in her right mind is going to find this chivalrous and respectful, she's going to think you have intimacy problems (and if you really believe the lyrics, I can't imagine you don't) and are a crackpot taking religious devotion waaaaaaaay too far. And notice this is sent out to the guys, there's no feedback from the girls.

The side hug will keep you pure and your virginity intact. No one will want anything to do with you.

This is actually a perfect illustration of my point. Any thinking Christian should be appalled by the sexism, support of the concept of thought crime, and pantomime killing. Instead, the crowd applauds like this is the greatest thing ever. They are clearly buying this.

Like I said...I got into the wrong line of work.
Feb. 13th, 2010 10:09 pm (UTC)
Oh, and the bit about the punishment for hugging being either 1) ratting you out to your mom or 2) beating you into a coma. That's good, too.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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