January 16th, 2010

Peter G

If Dreams Really Do Come True, Why This One Instead Of Another?

I'm trimming back the sideburns a bit this morning, and I noticed something in there.

Gray hairs.


Seriously.  I always wondered what I would look like with gray hair (I wondered if I'd look like Peter Graves).  And I wondered if my hair, which has started thinning (you can see it in the picture), would fall out before I had a chance to find out.

So, the race is on.  What happens to my folicles next?  The suspense is killing me!

I Went For An H1N1 Vaccine, And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt

Supposedly, when the World Health Organization meets, there will be a discussion about whether or not politicians helped stir up the swine flu frenzy because they were in collusion with drug companies selling the vaccine.

Nah!  They'd never do THAT!

I got a call from my mom down in Florida.  Dad had developed a really bad cold, sneezing, coughing, and it wasn't getting better.  She then asked the Million Meseta Question:  is he going to die from swine flu?

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am a science nut.  I explained certain facts to her:  1)  H1N1 is genetically missing the part of the strain that makes it fatal.  It is no worse than regular flu, so get him in bed with some chicken soup and some Robitussin and he'll be fine.  2)  The "epidemic" hasn't been much of an epidemic, so it's not like your life is going to turn into Outbreak.

I remember an ad on Craigslist where a woman was looking to trade H1N1 vaccine for Dave Matthews concert tickets (all except the inoculation for the oldest, since he'd be the babysitter).  It was wrong on so many levels.

Originally, the news was saying that there'd be a shortage of vaccine (I didn't bother, as my body is conditioned to handle the flu without that stuff.  When a cold gets passed around the office, I'm the only one unaffected by it.  And brother, do my office mates get pissed about that).  There were all these hoops you had to jump through, some places wouldn't take certain health plans.  Now, the cost is less than half what it was, there is plenty in stock.  I half expect to see an offer for a free H1N1 inoculation with a full tank of gas.

The media spends millions of dollars to manufacture a story about how doomed we are.  Will people ever get tired of falling for this?

How Science Truly Helps Us Understand The World

NeuroImage, a journal for brain researchers, has released the following findings:  "In healthy people, the more you activate a portion of your frontal lobes, the more accurate your view of yourself is," says Jennifer Beer, an assistant professor of psychology, who conducted the research with graduate student Brent L. Hughes. "And the more you view yourself as desirable or better than your peers, the less you use those lobes."

So, in conclusion, the less you use your brain, the higher you regard yourself.

Sounds like they've been talking to my brother-in-law.

A Gift For The Man Who Has Everything, And You Don't Want Him Infecting Other People....

Today, at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo, a company called TrueCompanion is unveiling Roxxxy, a robotic girlfriend.  Hey, Roxxxy!  Watch me pull a prophylactic out of my hat!

According to Douglas Hines (a former artificial intelligence engineer at Bells Labs before founding TrueCompanion), "She can't vacuum, she can't cook but she can do almost anything else if you know what I mean."  (I keep thinking of Chris Rock's reaction to that statement:  PAINT MY HOUSE!  And no, I'm not going to bother with the chauvinism of Hines' statement.)  "She's a companion. She has a personality. She hears you. She listens to you. She speaks. She feels your touch. She goes to sleep. We are trying to replicate a personality of a person."  Five foot seven, 120 pounds, C cup.  Oh, and a liquid cooling system.  Sorry, guys, there are some times you just can't win.

Hines was inspired by 9/11.  "I had a friend who passed away in 9/11.  I promised myself I would create a program to store his personality, and that became the foundation for Roxxxy True Companion."  You gotta love a sex doll as a tribute to a departed friend's memory.

Not only does she come with five selectable personalities, but supposedly, you can engineer your own and swap them over the Internet.  "Just think about wife or girlfriend swapping without actually giving the person to someone else."  Is it just me, or is that a little bit creepy?

You know, anyone who knows the human sex drive (and if you spend any time on the Internet, how could you not?) is not the least bit surprised by this.  We all knew this "Cherry 2000" thing was coming, it was just a question of when.

Depending on features, it'll cost you $7,500 to $9,500.  But if you have that kind of money, shouldn't you be able to get a real woman?

I know I'm taking a lot of cheap shots.  I'm sorry.  I know there are guys who dig these things, there are web sites and calendars and such for glamour shots of these things, and I shouldn't be judgmental, but I can't help it.  I think sex dolls are funny.  When I shot the movie Firewater!, there was a scene where the CPR dummy was replaced with a sex doll and it took all my will power not to bust up during the scenes.  I explained, "It just lays there motionless staring at nothing while you hump it.  You know, sort of like my ex."  (Thank you, don't forget to tip your waiter.)  I find the $20 pool-toy quality ones funny.  I find the $5,000 "skin is silcone and the orifices are kevlar" ones funny.  It is very easy to reduce me to hysterics with one of these.

For you guys who go the other way, there is a male version called Rocky in development.  And now, all I can think of is that scene from Team America:  World Police.

You know, if people could channel half the energy they invest in sex into other things, we'd have that cancer thing fixed in a week!