June 16th, 2010

Epic Fail

Busted Like A Glass Figurine With A Cherry Bomb Inside

 Oh, nice!

His name is Kris Holmes.  He lives in Michigan.  He is the guy selling the forged Michael Turner art on eBay I mentioned the other day.  He wrote Rich Johnston to say, "Anyone can see by our wonderful buyer feedback that we are honest sellers and have been for years. It is sad to think that there really are people out there looking to falsely profit in today's marketplace, but anyone can see that we are not like these people. When people try to scam others and falsely accuse and make slanderous remarks against an honest person, especially when there is no fact to back up the claim, it does nothing but make the accuser look foolish and it discredits their own standing in the present and future. Thanks."

Uh...I'd say there's not only plenty of fact to back up the claim, but if he has proof they are wrong, this might be a good time to start bringing it out.  Oh, and by the way, it's not slander, it's libel.  There's a difference.  That's a freebie from the Sine Timore Kamikaze Legal Team.  First I have to lecture Darl McBride about the differences between hackers and crackers, now this.  I'm surrounded by imbeciles.

However, this fool then went on the Aspen boards and wrote this:  "Excuse me, but the real seller here and I would like to set the record straight. What happened was, an employee who was supposed to be shipping out the items picture in our listings to their respective buyer was in fact making copies of the work and sending those out instead of the originals that were the actual ones up for auction. We finally received a picture of one of these fakes from a buyer and was able to determine that they were indeed not the ones we uploaded to the eBay listing. We are working with eBay to fix this and have been apologizing up-and-down to these buyers in the hopes that they will not hold one person's inexcusable actions against us as a whole. If they do though, it is kind of to be expected and we will have to live with that. Hopefully though when they receive the items that they were supposed to, we found them as the employee was trying to get them out and to their home, that they will go and correct their earlier claims and help to clear our name of this heinous wrongdoing that we were unaware of until a couple days ago. We have also discovered at an employee (former now of course) was impersonating us from our computers, not only is replying and sending out items to our buyers, but also upon a couple different other message board websites. Again, this is being dealt and the situation is being rectified. We would appreciate the discontinuation of these negative comments as the problem is being taken care of and the person responsible has been outed and dealt with by us and the buyers are having the proper items sent to them as they should have been in the first place. Thanks."

TL;DR -- 'twarnt us.  He wrote in his original listing that he was selling the sketches to take his kids on a vacation.  He's still playing the pity card.  This is the "I'm Very Sorry" song, won't you help me sing aloooooong?

I don't understand when people intentionally try to piss people off, then won't admit they were pissing them off.  Michael Golden with his "Patience is a virtue" sketch is another example.  He did it, he knew it, and tried to spin it to look like everyone was overreacting.  Same thing here.  An employee is responsible for this?  Who's the employee, Josh Hoops?  Oy gevalt!

I'm picturing this being made into a comic book illustrated by Nick Simmons.

That Kind of Music Has Always Attracted The Wrong Element

A near riot broke out at a free NYC concert by Hanson.


You know, the last of the clean bubblegum poppers.

I'm having visions of them hiring the Hell's Angels as security at a gig and it all going downhill.

I'm sorry, but...Hanson?

A riot over Hanson?

Don't get me wrong, their music was okay and was catchy at the very least.  But a riot over Hanson?

What's next, a riot at an Osmonds concert?
Peter G

Out Of The Blue

I don't have many memories of my childhood (who does?), but I remember one year going to see Santa Claus.  Each kid got a candy cane and a coloring book.  The store had a stack of Annie books for the girls and Smurf books for the boys.  At that age, I absolutely hated the Smurfs.  It was pure hell when the cartoon ran for an hour and a half on channel 5 on Saturdays.  Making things worse was my sister loved them.  She had a bunch of those stupid rubber ones and she bought at least one of the comic books and generally would commandeer the TV and send me running to my Peanuts books.

So, when I was done with Santa, I dutifully picked up an Annie coloring book.

My mom and the lady at the table acted like I'd just thrown a live kitten in a blender.  "That's a girl's coloring book."

And I distinctly remember saying, "But I hate the Smurfs."

And my sister saying, "I'll take the Smurf book!"

I don't think the people there could have been more shocked if my sister and I exchanged clothing for the rest of the day.

So, when Smurfmania finally went the way of the dodo, the dinosaurs, and the Bay City Rollers, I was relieved.  But like a bad chili dog, the Smurfs are rumbling back up.  I had heard they were making a new animated movie, and the Smurfs would be CGI.  Combined with the retro thing happening, with everything from that era from the Smurfs to Rainbow Bright getting revived (what?  No Rose Petal Place?  They could probably rehire Nicole Eggert for the update), I knew my peace of mind would be challenged soon.

Today, the teaser trailer for the Smurf movie comes out.  Want a preview of what you're in for?  The web site is "Smurf Happens" and the trailer says our world gets Smurfed.  Great, they're revisiting the schoolyard jokes as well.

The trailer is only about 30 seconds long.  We get a quick look at the Smurfs, and they look more like Will Vinton creations.  One key difference -- Vinton has talent and gives his claymation figures personality.  These really need a lot more refinement to pass in the era of Pixar and DreamWorks.

The plot of the movie, supposedly, is Gargamel is chasing the Smurfs through the forest when they tumble through a tunnel that is actually a portal, and they wind up in modern day Noo Yawk.  But Gargamel is on their tail, and winds up in NYC as well.

Hmm...that seems familiar.  What does it remind me of?  Oh, yeah!  Enchanted, the Disney movie from a few years ago which may have been lame, post-modern, cliche, and predictable, but even the worst song on the soundtrack beats the Smurf theme.

Starring in the abomination is Jonathan Winters as Poppa Smurf, George Lopez is Grouchy, Paul Rubens is Jokey, and Katy Perry is Smurfette.  Hank Azaria is Gargamel with a bunch of prosthetic makeup.

I've suffered through Freddy Got Fingered.  I've suffered through Dirty Love.  I've suffered through The Love Guru and Pluto Nash.  I even suffered through Battlefield Earth twice.  But I will NOT suffer through this. You want to know what happens in the movie, you're on your own!