July 9th, 2010


Tryyyyyyyy Aaaaaaaand Rememberrrrrrrrr....

Hi, folks, I'm Peter G, creator of Sound Waves, here with a special announcement.  Sound Waves was originally a long running title about a little girl who becomes friends with a mermaid.  Sales were fine, the fan following was dedicated, but you know what?  The numbers were flat, and I was never really crazy about Rhapsody and Melody becoming friends.  So I created a storyline that would rewrite the central premise.  It would be pretty much the same thing, Rhapsody's adventures under the sea, but she and Melody had a falling out and never became "swim buddies."  If you don't remember it, it's because I did such a good job retconning it, it even affected Real Life.  Yes, I'm just that awesome.  Well, that was two years ago.  There was an uptick in readership, but it didn't take long before sales were back to where they were before my retcon.  Now, sales have dropped by a third from where they were two years ago (okay, when you sell in the low double digits, that's not much, but I'm operating on a shoestring here).  So, I'm going to undo the retcon that undid the original continuity.  By the time you read this, the experiment will be a bad memory on the part of the characters and, hopefully, the readers.  Thank you, and God bless.

Marvel is concerned about how Brand New Day is not exactly working out.  It didn't take long for the curiosity spike to blunt.  Now, numbers are down dramatically from two years ago with a new Spider-Man movie in production.  Not helping is changes in the title and a price increase in one of the titles (only one, only a buck, but the fans are bitching about how expensive it is to keep up with it now).  San Diego is just around the corner, and apparently, Marvel is going to announce that Brand New Day is over.

My first question is, how exactly is it over?  Joe Quesada has never made any secret of the fact that he doesn't like a married Peter Parker.  He's tried before to end that before with the creation of the Clone Saga, which gave us the Scarlet Spider in that stupid hoodie.  He was so determined to remove the marriage from Spider-Man stories, he thought having Peter Parker make a deal with the devil was preferable to a simple divorce or even just leaving the marriage alone.  At least twice in Brand New Day, stories teased that Peter and Mary Jane would be getting back together, only to have Lucy pull the football away at the end (all those who really thought it would happen need to remember Quesada's history).  Then, One Moment In Time, which I guess was supposed to explain why Peter and MJ never got married.  I don't know, I didn't read it.  All I know is it was a heavily hyped storyline at C2E2 and Spider-Man in a tuxedo looks a lot like Hunter Rose.  Undoing Brand New Day would be Quesada admitting he was wrong.  I just don't see it happening.

Another problem is, how is this supposed to fix things?  Eliminating the marriage didn't help, but that's not going to fix sales.  Telling good stories that are worth the increase in cover price will.  I've never been much of a Spider-Man fan because the stories are formulaic.  They typically go like this:

1)  Villain shows up
2)  Spider-Man gets his ass handed to him
3)  Spider-Man commiserates with MJ or whoever the fan magnet with the cover appearance is
4)  With renewed sense of purpose and lessons learned, Spidey returns to kicking ass and taking names

Admittedly, it's a formula that's worked for half a century.  But it has gotten stale.  JMS may be an ego with feet, but he still wrote stories that got fans interested and talking and anxious to spend their money.  And he did that by breaking the mold.

It's sad.  Spider-Man is such a popular character, so many people love him.  And yet, the best way to return him to prominence, no one is trying, they are resorting to simple publicity stunts.  Brand New Day was bad because it basically dismissed the interest and passions people invested in the character as nothing.  Now, there's another group that has invested their interests and passions in the new direction, and their about to see it dismissed.  It's sort of like my reaction to characters being killed off -- if things can be changed so simply and so arbitrarily, why should I bother paying attention?

You Have The Right To Remain Silent. For The Love Of God, Please Use It

People sometimes wonder why I don't always mention I'm Christian.  After all, Jesus told us not to hide our light under a basket.  Why do I not really talk it up?  It's because, thanks to the Christians who do get press and enter the popular consciousness, I wind up getting lumped with assholes like this:

For those who are unaware (and believe me, I envy you), these dipshits are the Westboro Baptist Church.  You probably know them from picketing the funerals of US soldiers, saying that the deaths of people in war zones trying to protect our rights is because we aren't stoning gay people to death.  Or maybe you know them from telling the Jews that the Holocaust was divine punishment.  If they truly understood God like they claim they do, they'd know they are more offensive than anything they protest and if gays are really going to Hell, they'll be sharing the bus with them.

The Westies have a busy schedule coming up.  This month has them hitting Josh Bieber, Lady Ga Ga, the Jewish Holocaust Museum, and Al Gore at his healthcare summit.  No, not because of the questionable data about global warming, but because he is an adulterer (on the bright side, it they're going to protest adultery, that means they will hopefully never leave Hollywood).   Gore's speech is in San Diego the same weekend as the San Diego Comic Con. So they're going to squeeze in a stop by there.  Why?  Well....

"Are you kidding?! If these people would spend even some of the energy that they spend on these comic books, reading the Bible, well no high hopes here. They have turned comic book characters into idols, and worship them they do! Isaiah 2:8 Their land also is full of idols; they worship the work of their own hands, that which their own fingers have made: 9 And the mean man boweth down, and the great man humbleth himself: therefore forgive them not. It is time to put away the silly vanities and turn to God like you mean it. The destruction of this nation is imminent – so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry."

Part of me wants them to just crawl back under their rocks and never bother those of us who live in humanity ever again.

On the other hand....

Folks, if you knew half the shit I've pulled on deserving people, you'd piss yourselves dry.  The flour in the church pipe organ incident that I mentioned in Stress Puppy?  Yes, I really did that, and it was awesome.  So while part of me wants them to go away, part of me wants them to come to my neck of the woods.  A libertarian Christian who believes defiance to tyrants (like them) is obedience to God who can and will argue Scripture and is ready to escalate versus them?

Come to me, my pretties....mwuhahahahaha.....