November 25th, 2010

Rat Celebrates

Sine Timore Early Warning System And "Things I Am Thankful For"

November 30, 7PM Central Time, NBC will do its traditional broadcast of the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.  They're lining up acts to perform.  There's those that know how to sing (Boyz II Men, Annie Lennox, Susan Boyle, Sheryl Crow), those whose careers are based more on shrewd marketing than actual talent (Mariah Carey, Jessica Simpson), and more.

Just found out Kylie Minogue, touring to promote her new Aphrodite album, is going to be there, too!

Gentleman, set your Tivo's!

Oh, There's No Place Like On The Road For The Holidays

I meant to post this last night, but I was just too tired to do so.  I don't know if this still works, but hey, it's tradition...

Hey, kids!  It's that time of year again!  Holidays upon us, people driving like crazy to get to their destinations, and tempers on edge.  You know what that means.  It's time for taillighting!

NOTE:  I don't do this myself because it is highly illegal, so this discussion is purely academic and hypothetical.  If you decide to follow my suggestion, you do so at your own risk and I take no responsibility for people who blindly follow the suggestions of a sarcastic jackass on the Internet.  Thank you, and God bless.

Taillighting is the ultimate pasttime, combining encouraging otherwise questionable citizens to respect and obey the law while giving an outlet to your as-yet-unabated hatred of the world.  The rules were originally posted on the Internet looooooong time ago, but house rules are encouraged.  These are the rules that several of my peer group delinquents came up with.

GEAR:  This is one of the cheapest games you can play.  As many of you suspect, those el cheapo radar detectors you buy at Walmart or whatever are just useless bullshit rip-offs (on eBay, these are the ones that typically cost more to ship than to buy).  However, if you are up to a little surgery, you can open it up and tinker with the device (it used to be tampering with the tuning screws was all it took) and this little jobby will EMIT radar waves instead of DETECTING them.  Utilize extreme caution.  Such a device is the first step to building an actual radar jamming device.  If The Man catches you with it, you might get a visit to Area 2 if you're lucky.  Otherwise, he might do an Irish stepdance on your testicles.  It is encouraged that you have some way to conceal or ditch the device in case of trouble.  One guy with a very late model car (a "beater", in local parlance) had an opening next to his seat that he could drop the device through in the event of the fuzz getting involved.

So, now you have your gear (one guy I knew mounted his inside a toy Star Trek phaser pistol).  Now it's time to get busy.  Roll out into traffic and watch for a target.  When you are ready, activate your device and you will set off his radar detector.  Scoring is based on the honor system and is as follows:

Slowing down - 1 point
Brake lights - 3 points
Brake lights with the car lurching - 5 points
Driver spills something like a coffee - 7 points

Each time you do this, you get a multiplier (second time, 2X's points, third time, 3X's points, etc.).  But, if the driver figures out what you are doing, you lose the points for that driver.  You have to play them carefully if you are going to set up the nuke.  The nuke is the best.  It's when you trick the driver into busting a real radar trap (advance planning is crucial).  Doing this gets you 10X's all points for that driver.

Now, obviously, don't do this on slick or icy roads.  You're toying with the drivers, not trying to cause a real accident (remember, pro pranksters NEVER go for collateral damage).  Thanksgiving is the best because everyone is stressed out, and with more people driving to avoid the TSA's touchy feely bullshit, good results can be had this year.  (The crew I knew would typically hang out around O'Hare or Midway airports and rack up phenomenal scores.  But in the days after 9/11, an emergency bulletin went around saying, basically, "Don't even fucking think about it").

A tip -- you get the best results if you hit the radar detector head on with your beam.  How do you do this if you are riding with traffic instead of against it?  Aim for a highway sign.  It will reflect the signal and bounce it straight to the detector, sending it from "nothing" to "OH HOLY SHIT" in a flash.  There's also the "Thousand Points Of Light" club, for people who get 1K taillights.

Once again, I don't recommend this.  Don't do it.  Really.

Imperfection Is NOT To Be Tolerated!

Boy, you learn something new everyday.

As longtime readers know, I have a harmless crush on Jessica Alba.  I think she's pretty, I think she's sexy, and I really feel no further need to go beyond that.  I mean, I'm not going to become a stalker, and it's not like hearing she's in a movie is enough to make me want to see it (good looking though she is...she ain't exactly the best actress).

"You think Jessica Alba's sexy?!?" came the chatline.

Yeah.  Why not?  What makes her not sexy?


Well, I sure hadn't heard this before.  A little poking around yielded this timeline -- it was in 2007, about the time of one of the utterly forgettable Fantastic Four movies coming out.  Jessica Alba had dumped Cash Warren, a crew member from the FF shoot, because he wouldn't marry her.  Apparently, at some point, a buddy of his revealed to a gossip rag that Alba has been refilling a prescription for Valtrex and taking it almost every day.  She apparently told him that she got herpes from Derek Jeter.  Personally, I think Alba should have dumped Warren for his choice of friends, but there you go.

Now, I don't have herpes.  I did date a woman with it, though.  She was upfront about it, explaining very calmly about the risks I would be taking being intimate with her and what could be done to minimize those risks.  Nope, didn't chase me off, and I'm still clean.

The point I want to make is that Alba, assuming she actually does have herpes, is missing a chance to really do some good here.  A lot of people think that herpes is some sort of death sentence, like a sexual leprosy or something.  And it's not.  It is treatable and controllable.  It can be a pain in the ass (especially if an outbreak occurs on, say, the eye) and an inconvenience, but it's not the end of the world.  In fact, the woman I dated told me that it has never stopped anyone from being intimate with her.  I think it's because she was upfront, informative, and understanding.  It's reassuring.

One of the biggest fears people have is that they are damaged goods.  Assuming Jessica Alba has herpes, this came out over three years ago.  She's still sexy and beautiful, she's still stunning guys like me, she still has a successful career, she's married, she has a perfectly healthy baby, AND SHE WANTS TO HAVE MORE.  If there is anyone who could demonstrate to millions of scared people that there is ultimately nothing wrong with them, it would be her.

Not that it would happen.  I mean, we're talking Hollywood.  Image is everything.  Neil Patrick Harris and Lance Bass didn't admit they were gay, they were outed and had no choice but to own up to it (thankfully, it hasn't killed their careers like they feared).  But they'll never get traditional roles because their sexual orientation will be foremost in peoples' minds.  "How can a gay guy play a straight man?"  That's like asking how an actor with a room temperature IQ can play a scientist -- it's a role, not them.  If Alba really does have herpes, she will never admit it in a million years for fear of destroying her career.  In other words, she not only acts like someone she isn't in movies, she has to do it in real life, too.

And meanwhile, people continue to let sexual misinformation color their perceptions and actions....