January 4th, 2011


No Sense In Being Pessimistic -- It Wouldn't Work Anyway

Hey, America!  It's time for America's favorite new game show, Who Wants To Give Jay Cutler A Concussion?  We have two fine groups playing this weekend, the Green Bay Packers and the Philadelphia Eagles!  Whoever wins plays the Chicago Bears the following weekend!


Now, I will openly admit I know jack shit about football (basketball was my game).  I don't play Madden because I really don't give a shit about the minutia of the stats and that.  However, plunk me down in front of a regular arcade-style football game (Tecmo Bowl, Ten Yard Fight, Super High Impact, and the early versions of Blitz) and I'm Hell on wheels.  Which is what makes listening to my co-workers so mind-numbingly painful.  How is it that a guy who doesn't even play backyard football sees things that these lifelong fans and students of the game don't?

The Bears are a bad team.

"Well, Peter," I hear some of you saying, "they won their division."

Yeah.  They won in the WEAKEST DIVISION IN THE NFL.

The Bears have no real competitive fire.  They barely beat the Lions in their first game of the season.  Weeks later, Green Bay played Dallas and squashed them.  THAT is how a good team handles a bad team, not winning by pure dumb luck.  They simply figured New England would want to get back in the locker room before the half a few weeks ago, and saw another touchdown run just before the buzzer.  Martz gives them their best chance to win when he calls running plays, and yet he keeps switching to passing for no good reason.  New England prepared for their game against the Bears by practicing outside with footballs that had been kept in the freezer overnight.  The Bears?  Did you even see that game?

You want to know what this is?  'Cause I'm gonna tell you what this is -- this is 2001 all over again.  The Bears had a dipstick coach named Dick Jauron who got lucky that season.  Before that, everyone screamed about what a lousy coach he was.  Then he did well enough, everyone absolved him and he got a contract extension.  Extension in hand, the Bears resumed their meteoric slide through the standings the next year.  Everyone is expecting a work stoppage, and Lovie Smith is doing well enough that the fans are absolving him when he could negotiate an extension on his contract.  History repeats itself.

All these Bears fans, instead of keeping their eyes open, tell me "Better lucky than good" (yeah, that ALWAYS works) and "We'll take our wins any way we can get them."  Which means, they don't care about anything other than posting wins.  What's the point, then?  It's like the Cubs.  I was a Sox fan as a kid, and could never figure out how a team that couldn't seem to bother to win was so popular.  "Oh, they're the Lovable Losers."  I'll take the Winning Ugly season any day.

Side note:  although, if the Eagles win this weekend, I will root for the Bears.  May Ron Mexico burn in Hell.

Do Not Adjust Your Mind, The Problem Is With Reality

Boy, you learn something new everyday.  Especially when you are one of the few Chicagoans who doesn't give two shits about football.

I remember years ago when something called the Lingerie Bowl debuted.  It was played on pay-per-view during halftime at the Super Bowl.  Basically, it was a football fan's wet dream come to life -- two teams of models (one year featured Angie Everhart from Sports Illustrated and various erotic thriller movies) playing football just a little bit tougher than foxy boxers.  Ever watch roller derby?  Any one of them would knock one of those football players into the cheap seats.  mongrelheart  would totally pwn their asses.  I thought it was a silly idea.  But plenty of guys thought it was the greatest thing in the world.

Unbeknownst to me, there is now an actual Lingerie League.  Chicago has a team.  They apparently play at Sears Center.  Attendance is roughly 7,000 guys people aw, who am I kidding, it's mostly guys, and MTV2 apparently has the television rights (I'm guessing there's no worries about local blackouts).  So you have two teams of seven trying to run with the ball and tackle each other without ruining their meal tickets.  How can this possibly get any dumber?

Simple.  Just add PETA.

PETA just can't seem to do anything right when it comes to celebrity endorsements.  They recently got football player Chad Ochocinco to pose for a "say no to fur" ad with him standing naked except for a football covering his dick.

You know, a football.

Which is made of leather.

But I digress.

So, bracketing this portion are the two promotional posters PETA has made with some of the members of the Chicago Bliss (Jeeeeeesus....) football team.  You know, a football.  Which is made of leather.  But I digress.  (Side note:  lots of lingerie is made of silk.  Ever see how that gets harvested?  Why no mention of cruelty there?)  Wide receiver Nadia Larysa (in the poster on the left, she's the one with the tits...okay, she's on the left) said, "Our games sell out usually to around 7,000 fans in our stadium, and we have millions of viewers who watch the games live on MTV2, so we figured our image is powerful enough to make and impact and influence people to make the right choice when buying their next winter coat."  Yeah, I'm sure a large segment of those viewers are women.  And the men?  If you told them that to their faces, they'd just keep staring at your tits and saying, "Oh, yeah, that's a really important issue.  Come here often?"

I guess I can't really take pot shots at these players for sexually objectifying themselves.  After all, they play in the Lingerie League, they were already objectifying themselves before PETA came along.  It'd just be nice if a group that pays so much attention to animals would quit ignoring the elephant in the room.