February 28th, 2011


Don't You Just Hate How The Calendar Just Sneaks Up On You?

When I was a kid, I moved to the Chicago area from the great Northwest.  Well, okay, I didn't move, my parents moved me, I didn't have a lot of choice in the matter.  And as I acclimated to Chicagoland TV, I remember being told about Black History Month and a show on Channel 9 called "Know Your Heritage", which only ran in February.  In fact, since Black History Month was created back in 1976, it has been celebrated in February.

In fact, I bet all of you reading this are going, "Yeah, we know it's in February, too. What's your point?"

The point is on the head of Donald Sterling, the owner of the LA Clippers basketball team, who came up with this little promotional ad that ran in LA papers Sunday....

Of course, Black History Month isn't the only problem with this ad (how exactly do they intend to verify that a child is underprivileged?  Or does he really think people will sneak in just to watch the fucking Clippers?).  Sterling, however, has a less than sterling reputation (grin) when it comes to racial matters.  Last November, he paid out $2.75 mil to settle a housing discrimination lawsuit.  He reportedly has made questionable comments about half-dressed players in the Clippers locker room.  So his reaction to every sportswriter in the country pointing out his date is wrong will probably be, "Well, better late than never, amiright?"

Remember, NBA teams are owned by people with money.  No one said anything about brains.

Two And A Half IQ Points

Hello, I'm Peter G, creator, writer, and artist of the cult web comic strip Stress Puppy.  And I'm here to make an important announcement about the future of the strip.  I am currently writing more strips and will probably resume drawing it before too long.  But when it does resume, there will be a slight, subtle difference in a few of the jokes.

Longtime readers know that I very much enjoy taking cheap shots at Paris Hilton.  I mean, she makes it so easy.  I don't care if she has a fan following.  I don't care if people see someone good there.  I don't.  I think she is stuck up, self-absorbed, and mentally deficient.  And the Valtrex thing doesn't help.

However, I'm afraid I have to officially retire making Paris Hilton jokes in Stress Puppy.

(audience reaction:  AAAAAAAAWWW!!!)

Now, now.  See, I picked on Paris Hilton because she is a public target for my derision.  She basically asks for it.  But a challenger has appeared!  It's Charlie Sheen.  And leaving him alone while continuing to pick on her is not just hypocritical, but potentially chauvinist.  Women intentionally act like idiots in public, and everyone piles on, while guys that act like idiots in public, everyone celebrates them as cool dudes living by their own rules.  So, no matter how much I enjoy smacking Hilton, her behavior, arrogant though it is, is nowhere near as objectionable as Sheen's.

Sheen is clearly enjoying all the attention he's getting as he implodes his career.  What a ticket on this ego trip?  Here's a sample of what he's going to say on Good Morning America tomorrow.  Keep a barf bag handy:

"To have people think I'm insane or they don't think that what I'm saying is true? I have no interest in their tarred opinions. I really don't.  I'm gonna live my life the way they want. They can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show."

After he went on a radio show, making potentially anti-Semitic remarks about the producer of Two And A Half Men that got production on the show suspended for the season, and having just signed a contract paying him $1.8 mil per episode, he wants $3 mil per episode to return to the show.  "Look what they put me through!"

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special."  Continuing, "I woke up and decided, you know, I've been kicked around. I've been criticized. I've been like the, 'Ah, shucks' guy with like this bitchin' rockstar life. And I'm just finally going to completely embrace it, wrap both arms around it, and love it violently. And defend it violently through violent hatred."

His resume?  "Right there: 62 movies and a ton of success.  Come on, bro. I won 'Best Picture' at 20. Wasn't even trying. Wasn't even warm."

On suing CBS for the rest of the money on his contract:  "I'm here to collect. They're gonna lose. They're gonna lose in a courtroom. So, I would recommend that they do an out of court settlement and fix this whole thing, and pay the crew, and get season nine back on board."

On his drug use and hard partying:  "I'm fine. Sometimes I overshoot the mark. But whatever...I just won't do it. I will not believe that if I do something, then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood or Adonis DNA."  He claims he can take it because he has a "different constitution," "different brain" and "different heart".  (Well, that middle one, I agree with.)  "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

"I don't have a job. I got a whole family to support and love. And -- people beyond myself, people a lot more important than me, are relying on that money to -- fuel the magic."   Well, whose fault is that, then?

His level of partying?  "The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like you know, droopy eyes armless children."

On his hopes that "billions" of fans will rally behind him:  "Rally behind me with radical violence and focus and say that, 'No, we will not stand for this. We will not stand for our man being made the scapegoat when he's made everybody around him rich. And now they're punishing them and turning his crew family against him.' You know, it's really not cool, man.'"

Folks, I've never liked Two And A Half Men.  I find it mean-spirited, cruel, and chauvinist.  But that was just the show.  Jon Cryer, I understand, is a good guy.  Most of the cast and crew seems to be good.  It's just this one dipshit ruining everyone else's fun.

And if I start singing my own praises like Sheen is singing his own, please slap me.

Shock Tactics

Long time ago in Marvel Comics, Magneto discovered some way to control people's minds by using his magnetism powers to manipulate the iron in their blood.  One of the scenes during the story had him making the Scarlet Witch do a sexy dance for his amusement.

Later on, it was established that the Scarlet Witch was Magneto's daughter.  Most likely by people who don't remember that little interlude.

In one of the Ultimates books, it is revealed that Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, brother and sister, are also incestuous lovers.  This revelation is made by Wasp to Captain America.  She mentions this as if it's the most normal thing in the world, and the Cap's shocked reaction is played for laughs, as if to say, "What a square!"

I'm sorting and organizing my comic books, some of which I've had for a couple of years or more and haven't read or done anything with.  Among them is the Namora one-shot and her part in Agents Of Atlas.  Curiosity made me pick the issues up.  At one point, it is revealed that her deepest desire is to sleep with Namor.  Her cousin.  Okay, they aren't blood relatives, but still, everyone knows them as family.

All those comics got a one-way trip to the landfill last night.


I know comic companies, desperate to hold on to readers, are doing anything they can to draw in readers.  And let's face it, complete outrageousness is way easier to manufacture than good stories and characters.  But death is now beyond cliche.  So what else can they do to get everyone's shocked attention?  How about this?!?

Folks, I am actually seriously considering dropping Marvel books.  The fact that the editor clearly doesn't pick up on the squick factor here really creeps me out about what else may be coming.

Remember, even when exploitation filmmakers were filling the multiplexes with slasher movies, kids NEVER got killed in those things.  There were some lines that, no matter how tempted they were, they wouldn't cross them.  Marvel needs to reel it in quick.