Hello, I'm Peter G, creator, writer, and artist of the cult web comic strip Stress Puppy. And I'm here to make an important announcement about the future of the strip. I am currently writing more strips and will probably resume drawing it before too long. But when it does resume, there will be a slight, subtle difference in a few of the jokes.
Longtime readers know that I very much enjoy taking cheap shots at Paris Hilton. I mean, she makes it so easy. I don't care if she has a fan following. I don't care if people see someone good there. I don't. I think she is stuck up, self-absorbed, and mentally deficient. And the Valtrex thing doesn't help.
However, I'm afraid I have to officially retire making Paris Hilton jokes in Stress Puppy.
(audience reaction: AAAAAAAAWWW!!!)
Now, now. See, I picked on Paris Hilton because she is a public target for my derision. She basically asks for it. But a challenger has appeared! It's Charlie Sheen. And leaving him alone while continuing to pick on her is not just hypocritical, but potentially chauvinist. Women intentionally act like idiots in public, and everyone piles on, while guys that act like idiots in public, everyone celebrates them as cool dudes living by their own rules. So, no matter how much I enjoy smacking Hilton, her behavior, arrogant though it is, is nowhere near as objectionable as Sheen's.
Sheen is clearly enjoying all the attention he's getting as he implodes his career. What a ticket on this ego trip? Here's a sample of what he's going to say on Good Morning America tomorrow. Keep a barf bag handy:
"To have people think I'm insane or they don't think that what I'm saying is true? I have no interest in their tarred opinions. I really don't. I'm gonna live my life the way they want. They can just find the most comfortable chair in their small house and sit back and enjoy the show."
After he went on a radio show, making potentially anti-Semitic remarks about the producer of Two And A Half Men that got production on the show suspended for the season, and having just signed a contract paying him $1.8 mil per episode, he wants $3 mil per episode to return to the show. "Look what they put me through!"
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special." Continuing, "I woke up and decided, you know, I've been kicked around. I've been criticized. I've been like the, 'Ah, shucks' guy with like this bitchin' rockstar life. And I'm just finally going to completely embrace it, wrap both arms around it, and love it violently. And defend it violently through violent hatred."
His resume? "Right there: 62 movies and a ton of success. Come on, bro. I won 'Best Picture' at 20. Wasn't even trying. Wasn't even warm."
On suing CBS for the rest of the money on his contract: "I'm here to collect. They're gonna lose. They're gonna lose in a courtroom. So, I would recommend that they do an out of court settlement and fix this whole thing, and pay the crew, and get season nine back on board."
On his drug use and hard partying: "I'm fine. Sometimes I overshoot the mark. But whatever...I just won't do it. I will not believe that if I do something, then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood or Adonis DNA." He claims he can take it because he has a "different constitution," "different brain" and "different heart". (Well, that middle one, I agree with.) "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."
"I don't have a job. I got a whole family to support and love. And -- people beyond myself, people a lot more important than me, are relying on that money to -- fuel the magic." Well, whose fault is that, then?
His level of partying? "The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like you know, droopy eyes armless children."
On his hopes that "billions" of fans will rally behind him: "Rally behind me with radical violence and focus and say that, 'No, we will not stand for this. We will not stand for our man being made the scapegoat when he's made everybody around him rich. And now they're punishing them and turning his crew family against him.' You know, it's really not cool, man.'"
Folks, I've never liked Two And A Half Men. I find it mean-spirited, cruel, and chauvinist. But that was just the show. Jon Cryer, I understand, is a good guy. Most of the cast and crew seems to be good. It's just this one dipshit ruining everyone else's fun.
And if I start singing my own praises like Sheen is singing his own, please slap me.