March 3rd, 2011

Moe Cowbell

And, In Conclusion -- Jam (Turn It Up) By Kim Kardashian

I knew Kim Kardashian was working on an album because she "sang" (today's post is sponsored by the letters "D", "A", and "T") on one of the New Year's Eve specials.  I didn't watch it because I was with friends and having fun instead.  And I refused to go out of my way to hear a song by any of the Kardashian Klones.

Well, I finally stumbled across a free listen of the song.  With nothing better to do, I decided to listen to it.  This is why this isn't a Snap Judgment.  This isn't speculation about what the finished product will be like, I have actually experienced the finished product.

The song is completely generic.  I mean, there's no real personality behind it.  Dance music fans will recall a group from about 2000 called Da Buzz.  If you listened to one song by them, they were pretty good.  But each song on their album Da Sound sounded similar, like variations on a theme.  This is not a crime, you just want greater variations on the theme (DJ Peas did great on Filters, where you can hear similarities but each sound is its own entity, and Love Stuck Haze is one of my all time favorite chill bits).

Jam's lyrics are your general "I'm going to the club and dance, I really like the song the DJ is playing" song.  It's trying to be a faster "Starry Eyed Surprise", but the lyrics don't even go further than telling what she's doing or what she wants.  There's no further information, like what she feels or what she's experiencing, just her "go(ing) to work like I'm paying my bills".  That's not quite the awesome metaphor she thinks it is.

Kardashian's voice has been autotuned.  Well, what voice is there.  I don't think she varies more than maaaaaybe five notes.  There's a distinct "speaking" component to her singing.  Like the lyrics, the vocals are pretty incidental.  You remove them, you won't really notice.  The music sounds like the kind of thing I banged out during the tutorial for Cakewalk.

Simply put, Kardashian's song sounds like it belongs on a CD of music DJ's use to mix, it does not stand on its own.  When you make Paris Hilton's album seem better in comparison, you're doing something wrong.
Peter G

Incoming Snark! Take Cover!

I just couldn't leave this alone.

I tried, Lord, I tried.

I just couldn't do it.

Charlie Sheen's line from his interview, where he describes himself as "Winning.  Every day," and insulting everyone from working class people to alcoholics who are fighting relapse, has become a meme.

One of the fine, upstanding people on my friends list got this:

"Winning.  Every day."

Naturally, I can't leave this alone.  But I had to move fast.  Someone already took Sheen's mugshot from when he was arrested on Chirstmas and added, "Winning.  Every day."  So I, sarcastic jackass that I am, needed something more....

"Winning.  Every day."
Dear Charlie Sheen,

I quote Joe Queenan -- "If you contantly act like you are better than other people, they will go out of their way to remind you that you are not."

Lots of love,
Peter G