July 1st, 2011

Kill It With Fire

Timing Is Everything

I have been seriously debating if I want to subject myself to the third Transformers movie.  There's a theater I know where, thanks to stadium seating and lighting, there's a little alcove where I can sort of see the screen but still have enough light to read, draw, play my GP2X or PSP, or just space out for a little bit.  I find this is becoming the major consideration in where I see my movies nowadays.

Well, the decision may be made for me.  See, you're not allowed to sit in the alcove, it is technically an emergency exit.  So I can stand there to take a break from the action, but actually camping there is out.

Transformers 3 runs for 154 minutes.

Two hours and thirty four fucking minutes.

And, given that this is a Michael Bay film, I can guarantee it will feel a lot longer than that.

My fellow bad movie buffs may say I'm pussing out by thinking of waiting for video so I can lean on the fast forward button, but, you know, man has evolved, but survival instincts remain.
Woody Can't Take It

Once Again, The Little Head Does The Thinking For The Big Head

John Derek is a name in Hollywood best known among us movie buffs for marrying sexy women and photographing them for the raincoat crowd.  Divorcing his first wife, he married Ursula Andress and shot her for Playboy in 1957 (she was 21, he was 31).  Then he married Linda Evans and shot her for Playboy (she was 26, he was 40).  Then he married Bo Derek and shot her for Playboy and various movies that play like a deep dive into his neuroses.  She was 20 when they married, he was 50.  In actuality, their relationship started when she was 16.  They lived in Germany until she was 18 and their relationship was legal in the US.  Yikes.

I never watched Lost.  I never thought they could maintain the concept of the show over successive seasons, and hearing what all happened, I think I was right.  As a result, I have no clue who any of the stars of the show are.  Except now.  I am aware of Doug Hutchinson as of this morning.  I was reading an article that I thought was a joke, until I saw the link to the news article it was goofing on.

It seems Hutchinson, 51, has married a 16 year old.  Lets take a look at the blushing bride:

Who was the wedding photographer, Chris Hansen?

Lest you think this girl is just some joytoy, Hutchinson says she is actually very deep...Jesus I don't believe I wrote that.  That's the drawback to stream of consciousness writing -- you don't know how that clever turn of phrase will actually look until you see it staring back at you.   (I thought about hitting backspace, but I just can't stop laughing every time I read it.  Oh, my God, there is something seriously wrong with me).  Courtney Alexis Stodden is a former Miss Washington USA contestant (I am seriously wondering when she got the implants) and aspiring country singer.  Her website features pictures of her naked on the beach and wrapped in the American flag.  She has several YouTube videos of her singing.  PROTIP:  when you make people long for Rebecca Black and Tay Zonday, you might want to rethink your career objectives.  In the video for "Don't Put It On Me," she is holding a yard glass, which is used for holding beverages of the alcoholic persuasion.  Sixteen, folks.  Well, maybe.  She does look a bit...mature for a 16 year old.  This could explain why Roman Polanski hasn't issued a statement of support.

I believe that we are sexually attracted to people at a similar level of mental development.  For example, my ongoing crush on Jaclyn Smith never goes away.  My whole life, I've been attracted to women at least a few years older than me.  This is also why, when I see so many of these Hollywood party boys going for women young enough to still be in school, I go, "Well, that figures."  That's what makes marrying a blatantly sexual "16 year old" so disturbing to me -- she's still a child herself, and if my theory is true, he's mentally one himself.  They do not have the maturity to make a marriage work.

“We’re aware that our vast age difference is extremely controversial.  But we’re very much in love and want to get the message out there that true love can be ageless.”  It's not the age gap, it's that she's jailbait, you dip.

America.  What a country, amiright?