January 31st, 2013


How Dare You Expose Someone For Being An Asshole!

For those who came in late....

Yesterday, I reported on a Reddit user who posted a receipt they got while serving a party of twenty people.  Parties of nine or more, there is an automatic 18% tip tacked onto the bill.  One person took the bill, crossed out the tip, and wrote, "I give God 10%, why do you get 18," before identifying themselves as a pastor.

And now, to today's headlines -- the person in question is one Chelsea Welch, a waitress at a St. Louis-area Applebee's, and the cheapshit pastor is one Alois Bell from the Truth In The World Deliverance Ministries Church.  All this came up in a news article.

Welch has been sacked from Applebee's.

Bell is complaining that Welch "ruined her reputation."  No, asshole, you did that when you decided to use God as an excuse to admonish someone for a tip.  Maaaaaaybe this wouldn't have happened if you just crossed out the tip and didn't mention God and your position of authority, hmm?  Bell told The Smoking Gun, "It was a lapse in my character and judgment.  My heart is really broken.  I've brought embarrassment to my church and ministry."  So, realizing you now have a bad reputation for getting on your religious high horse, you decide the way to fix that is to get the waitress you slammed fired.  Good plan.

We Christian like to say Jesus loves us all.  There are days when I think that must be quite a struggle for him.
Moe Cowbell

How To Succeed In Entertainment Without Really Trying

1)  You are in charge of music for a hit TV show.  A show with absolutely no original music whatsoever, just your cast covering established tunes like a Kids Incorporated 2.0.  Like, oh, off the top of my head Glee.

2)  You find a song that is really really cool.  Like, oh, off the top of my head, "Baby Got Back" as covered by Jonathan Coulton.

3)  Copy the song and arrangement note for note, but with your cast singing it.  You know how Vanilla Ice changed one note in the bass line for "Under Pressure" and claimed it was completely original for "Ice Ice Baby"?  Well, that shit's for pussies.  Exact copy.

4)  Put the song that sounds like your cast doing karaoke up for sale on iTunes, crediting Sir Mix-A-Lot who did the original but ignoring Coulton.

5)  When Coulton bitches about this, tell him that he should be thankful that his song is getting exposure.  Pray that he doesn't notice he's not credited at all, so no one watching the show knows of this exposure.

6)  Be sure to thank the DevianTARTs for showing you the way.

Class dismissed.  I'm busy writing a Sound Waves musical, and it will open with Rhapsody and Melody singing Jagger and Bowie's "Dancing In The Streets."