July 20th, 2013


Jeepers, Creepers

My fellow Americans.  I need your help to deal with a growing menace.  One that is, in actuality, quite illegal.

I'm talking, of course, about creepers.

You are probably wondering what a "creeper" is.  Allow me to illustrate.

Let's say you are driving down the highway and there is road construction ahead.  Traffic merges from the left lane into the right.  Things are backed up for, say, five miles.  And you look at the left lane, and you see it is wide open for two or three miles.  And you think to yourself, Hey!  Maybe I can go in the left lane and get a bit of a jump on the bottleneck, save myself some time.

But you can't do that.  Because ahead of you in the left lane is a car.  It is keeping exact pace with traffic in the right lane -- it won't go faster, it won't go slower, it stops when it stops.  And it's not looking to merge and being skittish, because when someone allows a space to open up so they can merge, they will not move over to the right.  They continue to sit in the left lane, blocking its legal use, just creeping along....

Folks?  That's a creeper.

Now, I want to emphasize there's a difference between the above and someone close to the bottleneck who just tries to get a few cars ahead.  That's just rude and a waste of time.  I'm talking about when there is a HUGE distance that could in fact be traveled if it weren't for the person creating their own bottleneck.

Creepers feel safe doing this because they aren't doing anything illegal, they are just driving safely in unusual conditions -- anything happens, it'll be the person behind them that gets the ticket.  I've seen creepers that ride the middle of the highway, keeping their own place in merged traffic while occupying enough of the left lane to be annoying.  The other day, I saw one with a 4X4 off road vehicle behind it.  The 4X4 decided to go on the left shoulder to get around the creeper.  The creeper responded by moving ONTO THE LEFT SHOULDER so the 4X4 had to go off road to get around them.

That is asshole behavior.

That must be stopped.

So, I am turning to the power of participatory government.  I propose making creeping a federal crime.  You have to give them a chance just in case they are simply scared of getting in a fender bender when they merge, like when semis that can't really see you are moving along.  But if you have a clear cut case of creeping, you are within your rights to yank them out of their car like GTA and tune them up a little.  Oh, and since they likely won't be able to drive for a while, do your duty as a good citizen and remove the obstruction -- the ditch is probably the only place you'll be able to put their car.  Then get back in yours and drive on.  You have no choice, you are creating a road obstruction otherwise.

Together, we can do this.  Democracy works!

The Further Adventures Of Pat Robertson And His Sidekick, God

Fascist televangelist Pat Robertson just can't seem to let go of his hatred for gays.

Robertson recently said on The 700 Club that he wants Facebook to, besides its "like" button, to include a "vomit" button he can click whenever he sees a picture of homosexual couples.

"You've got a couple of same-sex guys kissing. Do you like that?" Robertson answered. "Well, that makes me want to throw up. To me, I would punch 'vomit,' not 'like,' but they don't give you that option on Facebook."

Well, here's the thing -- I'm all in favor of a button that let's you downvote things on Facebook.

Just as long as I can apply it to anything I don't like instead of what Robertson doesn't like.

Here's some quotes from Robertson:

"When we 'like' things on Facebook, if it's something that goes against what is written in the Bible -- such as pictures of same sex couples -- is that considered condoning behavior? How do you explain this to new Christians or youth?"


On a man whose wife has Alzheimer's -- "I know it sounds cruel, but if he's going to do something, he should divorce her and start all over again, but to make sure she has custodial care and somebody (is) looking after her."  When asked about that pesky "Till death do us part" thing, he said Alzheimer's is "a kind of death."


"Males have a tendency to wander a little bit. And what you want to do is make a home so wonderful he doesn't want to wander."


"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household, and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."


"Many of those people involved in Adolf Hitler were Satanists. Many were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together."


"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."


"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if [Hugo Chavez] thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it."


"If enough people were praying, (God) would've intervened. You could pray. Jesus stilled the storm. You can still storms."


Robertson said miracles don't appear in the US because people here are "too educated."


Robertson warned that secondhand clothes could carry demons.


What do you know?  Robertson actually had a good idea for once!
Enchanting Mermaid

APB: Swimming With Sharts

With the hot weather here (and the sizable contingent of mers reading this), it is time for me to give everyone a heads up about something.

So, here's this link:


In the article, you will find three maps that will tell you which places have the most polluted waters.

In other words, don't swim there.

Worms Ready For Battle

The Hannah Singer Books Are In A Store!

TowerofPimpsWell...that was certainly productive!

A book store has agreed to carry and promote my Hannah Singer books.

Yeah, it's only a local bookstore, and it's as a local author.  So what?  I'm in a store where more people will see my work, and the proprietor wants to promote indie books.

And she feels my stuff is pretty cool.

So, here's the details -- the store is Bookhunters.  They specialize in new and used books (with a focus on theology, so I'm guessing Hannah Singer was right up their alley), and can even search for hard to find and out of print ones for you.

They are located at 548 South Route 59 in Naperville, IL.  There's a strip mall across the street from the Fox Valley Mall, next to the Wal-Mart.  Right between the Sears Outlet and the scuba gear shop is where you'll find it.  The proprietor is Vicki L. Allison.  Here's a picture of her now:


For those of you looking for the books, they are on the shelf you see literally as soon as you walk in the door.  Here's a swag pic:


Yup, all three of them.  And the fourth when it gets finished.

So, she's a swell person whose store is worth supporting (complete with a personalized drawing from Bob Keane) that is looking to make a splash in this tough economy.

I do believe this calls for a self-congratulatory hoagie.

Mr. DJ?  Take this disc of "Play That Funky Music" and spin that shit!

Twilight Dances Adorkably