March 30th, 2014

Barney Fife

Junior Matlock Club -- Oversharing Claims Another Victim

We've got new readers, and that means possible new inductees into the Junior Matlock Club, where we look at criminals who should look into another line of work as they don't have what it takes for a life of crime.  Membership is easy.  There's no fees, no forms to fill out, you just have to join us in reciting the oath, as created by Barney Fife --

"Now, it is from little misdemeanors that major felonies grow.  And it is my duty -- it is ANYBODY'S duty -- to stop them before they get too far.  Now THE LAW MUST BE UPHELD!"

And with that out to the way, you are now fully fledged members of the Junior Matlock Club.  And today, we're looking at 22 year old Colleen Cudney, who lives in the area of Westland, Michigan.  Cudney had been busted for drunken driving, and part of her sentence was to be put on probation.  And among the terms of her probation was random breathalyzer testing.

Did we here in American just have a holiday?  Why, yes, we did!  And for those of you thinking "Ash Wednesday," good guess, but no. It was St. Patrick's Day, which is supposed to honor a Christian saint but instead is a day for people who can't hold their liquor to make asses of themselves.  Like most people, Cudney tipped a couple of wet ones that day.  Well, surprise, she got called in for a random breathalyzer test by her Westland probation officer the next day.  But she didn't tip enough wet ones, and she passed the breathalyzer.

How do we know about this?

Because she posted it on her Facebook.

"Buzz killer for me, I had to breatalyze (sic) this morning and I drank yesterday but I passed thank god lol my dumb**. (sic)"

Well, this was spotted by a Westland police officer, who promptly linked it to the probation officer.  The probation officer called Cudney, saying she was to come in for a urine test, which would detect any alcohol consumed within the last 80 hours.

Now, when you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you need to do is stop digging.  So what course of action did Cudney take?

She hung up on the probation officer.  Did you know hanging up on a probation officer is a probation violation before now?  Well, neither did she.

Cudney's probation was supposed to end in a few weeks.  Instead, she's due back in court on April 1 for a probation hearing, and is looking at spending three months in the slammer for probation violations.

So the lesson is, when you manage to beat the system, keep your fool mouth shut about it.

Fame, Puts You There Where Things Are Hollow

When you are trying to establish yourself in a creative field, whether comics or writing or blogging or whatever, you are always told you have to expand your brand, make people aware that you are out there.  They point to people like the Kardashian Klones or Traci Lords or Charlie Sheen and say with worldly wisdom, "There's no such thing as bad publicity."

Really?  Let's talk about this.

So Dakkari McAnuff is a 20 year old man living in Los Angeles, CA.  On Tuesday, this fool used his Twitter account to post photos of a rifle aimed at various LA streets.  He captioned the pics, "100 RT's (Re-Tweets, for those that don't speak the lingo. -- G) and I'll shoot someone walking."  Later on, he posted, "Man Down.  Mission accomplished."

Yeah, doing this in the post-9/11 is never a good idea.  About 930AM on Wednesday, the LAPD were alerted to a possible public safety threat via a social media account and were linked to the Twitter page.  McAnuff was arrested about 130PM at his home in the 700 block of Ninth Street in downtown LA.  An air rifle was found on the premises, and McAnuff is facing felony charges for making criminal threats.  His Twitter account has been suspended, and his friends say it was just a prank.

I don't know what's worse, that this dipshit threatened to put a bullet in someone if he got enough reTweets, or that enough people thought this would be a good idea that they reTweeted it.

We live in an age when everybody wants fame.  Someone like me who keeps a low profile is an oddity.  People with talent try to become famous.  People without talent will try self-destructive shit (every time I see a fail video, I wonder why the people didn't just delete the video file instead of posting it on the Net.  Then the answer hits me -- because at least they'll be known and not just slipping through the world without leaving a mark).  And now, the next stage.  Only instead of some asshole killing a musician to impress Jodie Foster, we're going to have assholes killing anybody unlucky enough to be around just to impress a bunch of random people who will forget about you when the next planking craze hits.  It's coming.  We have a generation being raised that being a special snowflake for any possible reason is the ultimate goal, and it doesn't matter as long as that status is achieved.  And random murder is shocking and makes you a truly special snowflake, as most people don't have the nerve to do that.

The destruction of humanity will not come because of politics.  It won't come because of religion.  It will come from people who think fame is their birthright and anyone who thinks otherwise is a hater who doesn't get it.  And we are all potential victims.