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Out Of The Blue

I don't have many memories of my childhood (who does?), but I remember one year going to see Santa Claus.  Each kid got a candy cane and a coloring book.  The store had a stack of Annie books for the girls and Smurf books for the boys.  At that age, I absolutely hated the Smurfs.  It was pure hell when the cartoon ran for an hour and a half on channel 5 on Saturdays.  Making things worse was my sister loved them.  She had a bunch of those stupid rubber ones and she bought at least one of the comic books and generally would commandeer the TV and send me running to my Peanuts books.

So, when I was done with Santa, I dutifully picked up an Annie coloring book.

My mom and the lady at the table acted like I'd just thrown a live kitten in a blender.  "That's a girl's coloring book."

And I distinctly remember saying, "But I hate the Smurfs."

And my sister saying, "I'll take the Smurf book!"

I don't think the people there could have been more shocked if my sister and I exchanged clothing for the rest of the day.

So, when Smurfmania finally went the way of the dodo, the dinosaurs, and the Bay City Rollers, I was relieved.  But like a bad chili dog, the Smurfs are rumbling back up.  I had heard they were making a new animated movie, and the Smurfs would be CGI.  Combined with the retro thing happening, with everything from that era from the Smurfs to Rainbow Bright getting revived (what?  No Rose Petal Place?  They could probably rehire Nicole Eggert for the update), I knew my peace of mind would be challenged soon.

Today, the teaser trailer for the Smurf movie comes out.  Want a preview of what you're in for?  The web site is "Smurf Happens" and the trailer says our world gets Smurfed.  Great, they're revisiting the schoolyard jokes as well.

The trailer is only about 30 seconds long.  We get a quick look at the Smurfs, and they look more like Will Vinton creations.  One key difference -- Vinton has talent and gives his claymation figures personality.  These really need a lot more refinement to pass in the era of Pixar and DreamWorks.

The plot of the movie, supposedly, is Gargamel is chasing the Smurfs through the forest when they tumble through a tunnel that is actually a portal, and they wind up in modern day Noo Yawk.  But Gargamel is on their tail, and winds up in NYC as well.

Hmm...that seems familiar.  What does it remind me of?  Oh, yeah!  Enchanted, the Disney movie from a few years ago which may have been lame, post-modern, cliche, and predictable, but even the worst song on the soundtrack beats the Smurf theme.

Starring in the abomination is Jonathan Winters as Poppa Smurf, George Lopez is Grouchy, Paul Rubens is Jokey, and Katy Perry is Smurfette.  Hank Azaria is Gargamel with a bunch of prosthetic makeup.

I've suffered through Freddy Got Fingered.  I've suffered through Dirty Love.  I've suffered through The Love Guru and Pluto Nash.  I even suffered through Battlefield Earth twice.  But I will NOT suffer through this. You want to know what happens in the movie, you're on your own!


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 17th, 2010 11:44 pm (UTC)
I didn't like the Smurfs either.Not sure I could sit through a whole movie about them.
Jun. 18th, 2010 01:15 am (UTC)
Not just a whole movie, but a whole movie based on current animated standards, which means phoniness, lame jokes, and fart jokes. Unless you are brave, you want to avoid Planet 51, which is pretty much the modern animated movie done by studio committee ("Yeah, this'll sell, kids love this") instead of people who genuinely want to make good movies. I'm figuring the first fart joke will appear in the Smurf movie before the 20 minute mark. Although, considering how much I want to avoid the movie, I have no way of knowing how I'll find out if I'm right.
Jun. 19th, 2010 03:55 am (UTC)
You are probably right. Not that I will see this movie either.
Jun. 18th, 2010 02:32 am (UTC)
Well, at least Paul Rubens is getting work... sadly Jonathan Winters is also getting work.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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