Peter G (sinetimore) wrote,
Peter G

Got Myself A Crying, Walking, Sleeping, Talking, Living Doll....

You know, there are some days, the jokes just write themselves and my only concern is how do I keep up with them.

First, I want to get this out there.  Years ago, when I saw the Britney Spears doll in toy stores, I quipped it was an excellent likeness -- the breasts were plastic and the head was hollow.  I've done some modifications to it since then (and have ever reworked it into a joke for Project X), but it still stands as one of my great smartass comments.

Why do I bring this up?  Well....

Kim Kardashian is in the news for something superficial and immaterial.  Yes, again.  What's that?  Can I narrow it down?  Okay, I will.  You see this here on the right?  This is the "Kinky Kim" doll by Pipedream.  Porn has a long tradition of modifying existing things in their quest to get your money.  First, they did porn parodies of mainstream movies (I just think some of the titles are hilarious.  Titty Titty Gang Bang, On Golden Blonde, Schindler's Fist, Position Impossible, Batman In Robin, Dyke Hard, Driving Into Miss Daisy, Sorest Hump, How Stella Got Her Tube Packed, In Diana Jones and the Temple Of Poon, Throbin Hood (Prince of Beaves), Blown in 60 Seconds, You've Got Male, Free My Willy...any time I need a fast laugh, I know exactly where to look).  Things have, you should pardon the expression, expanded.  We got Mary Carey, a porn star with a more than passing resemblance to Mariah Carey.  There's also apparently a woman named Jessie Alba, who looks a lot like Jessica Alba.  There's a wave of porn movies now based on superheroes, with Batman XXX leading the charge.  It's all based on, people find this sexy, how do we make a buck off of it without coughing up for likeness rights?  They already make blow-up dolls for space aliens and anime girls.  So they decided to go with an even more unrealistic woman, Kim Kardashian.

You know, when I hear the phrase, "blow up Kim Kardashian," this isn't the image that comes to mind.

Now, keep in mind, I find sex dolls inherently funny.  When I shot my movie Firewater! years ago, there was a scene centered around a CPR doll that was replaced with a sex doll, and it took all my will power not to bust up during the takes.  "It just lays there with this stunned bunny look, staring at nothing and not moving as you hump it.  Sort of like my ex."  The faces of these things alone can reduce me to hysterics.  Combine it with the Kim Kardashian "mystique" (it's an excellent likeness of her -- it's completely plastic and the head is full of air), and I'm tempted to get one just for the lulz.

Kardashian is offended by the doll and has sent Pipedream a C&D.  It seems the idea of a sex doll based on her offends her.  Poor little lamb.  Posing for Playboy and Harper's Bazaar?  Okay.  Talking in Allure magazine about how lasers have made her completely hairless?  No problem.  Rising to fame on a sex tape she made with a boyfriend where she gets golden showered?  Absolutely.  Hmmm...the key difference between these things and the doll is that she gets a cut of the sales for the previous ones, but nothing for the doll... Naaaaaaaah.  You're talking crazy now, Peter.

Also keep in mind the women I crush out on.  They have class.  Kylie Minogue controls her sexuality, she doesn't desperately throw it out in a bid for attention.  Jaclyn Smith will always make me swoon.  Caroline Munro was damn good looking in Star Crash, but conducts herself like a lady, it's not an act.  Jessica Alba avoids the party girl crowd.  I fell in love with Basia Trzetrzelewska by listening to her sing.  By way of contrast, someone sent me pictures of Heidi Montag in an Ariel The Little Mermaid Halloween costume, one of the Kardashian sisters dressed as a mermaid, and Paris Hilton in an ad for her perfume dressed as a mermaid.  Know anybody that needs a penis?  I won't be using mine for a while.... (This joke was stolen from Drew Carey.  Peace and love, brother.)

Attention whores are a turn-off for me.  I dealt with those selfish, brain dead bitches throughout school, and my tolerance of them has not gotten any better since they became a cottage industry.  So hearing someone who rose to fame for shameless exploitation complaining about shameless exploitation is so ironic, I need a tetanus shot just from listening to them.  Given the whole Rule 34 thing, she had to know SOMEONE was going to come up with this.

Kardashian's behavior suggests that the only reason she objects to things is when they don't benefit her directly.  Whether it is being sexually gross like in the sex tape video or acting like a vapid materialist on a TV show built for her, she invites people to view her as a thing instead of a person.  She shouldn't be surprised when things like this happen.  As they say on the Internet, she was asking for it.
Tags: important life lessons, just desserts
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