And, by completing the oath, you reaffirm your membership in good standing with the Junior Matlock Club, where we look at criminals who really should consider honest work because they don't have what it takes for a life of crime.
Today's entry landed on my desk with a splat after being thrown in from Rochester Hills, Michigan. Yup, the state with so much crap, they needed two piles. Rochester Hills is in the Down Dere section of Michigan (as opposed to the Up Nort section). A woman from Pontiac named Jerrie Perkins has been arrested and released on $15,000 bond for unarmed robbery, resisting and obstructing a police officer and second-degree retail fraud.
On paper, Perkins' plan was pretty solid. She boosted $600 worth of electronic merch and gunned her getaway vehicle. So how did she get caught?
Well, the problem was the getaway vehicle.
Perkins is 5'2" and 400 lbs.
She tried to make her getaway on her Rascal scooter.
It got stuck in the doorway and she couldn't move.
Perkins rolled through the door alarm while leaving and set it off. A loss prevention officer came up and asked for a receipt for the items. Perkins responded to this by punching the LPO in the face and shoving her.
Perkins wasn't going anywhere. A sheriff's deputy came up and asked Perkins to put her hands behind her back. Perkins “cursed at the deputy, balled her right hand into a fist and took a fighting stance." You know, considering she's stuck in a motorized chair and the chair isn't moving, this might not be the most intimidating thing she could have done. Maybe she was hoping the deputy would run into her fist really fast.
The deputy then pulled out his Taser and told her to put her hands behind her back. Perkins raised her fist over her head and just looked at the deputy. FZZZAP! She got Tased, bro. She then put her hands behind her back and went to the pokey.
So, if you are considering a life of crime, diet and exercise go a long way. Oh, and a vehicle more reliable than a Power Wheels without a receipt.