I'm not sure when it was I thought Osama bin Laden was dead. I figure it was a few years after 9/11. He needed kidney dialysis, and was hiding out in caves. Any communiques from him, we heard a voice but never saw a face. Given that bin Laden couldn't wait to plaster his puss on anything, I drew the simple conclusion that he was dead of renal failure and this was his underlings' attempts to make it seem like he was still around.
I wake up this morning, and I see the headlines. Supposedly, bin Laden is confirmed dead from a firefight during a raid on a luxury mansion (man, Charlie Sheen really DOES know how to throw a party!). In accordance with Muslim tradition, he was buried at sea for the sake of a quick funeral. And people were going nuts.
Headlines like that, I don't usually read right away. They are still updating information, and sometimes, key facts that you will base your opinion on will vanish as more information or more analysis comes to light. So I opted to let things stew, read some comic strips, and got ready for work.
I get to work, and some people who knew of my opinion about the fate of bin Laden came up with the newspaper and said, "What do you think of that?"
I thought for a moment and said, Show me the body.
"They buried him at sea."
Someone on that boat has a cell phone camera. They couldn't keep the pictures from Guantanamo Bay under wraps. If it's really him, someone has a picture and it'll turn up on the Internet. Until then, I see no reason to disregard my theory that he died years ago.
"You really don't trust the government, do you?"
October Surprise? Pat Tillman? Jessica Lynch? You're goddamn right I don't trust the government.
I'm not saying the Black Ops group killed someone and claimed it was bin Laden. After all, we only have the government's word for it that that is what happened. It's entirely possible they are making this up. I consider the burial at sea proof of my theory. Supposedly, the burial at sea was authorized because they didn't think any country would want to claim the body. Bull. Fucking. Shit. Any country from Afghanistan to Syria would want the body of the Noble Martyr (TM). "Oops! We lost the body! Aren't we silly? Sorry, we can't give you any proof, just take our word for it, we did it."
Now, if we assume for the sake of this discussion that my theory of bin Laden's death happening long ago is true (and that's all it is, I honestly have no proof I'm right, this is just what I suspect), this raises an obvious question: why? Why would Obama make something like this up? I see two possibilities here. I'll start with the one that is shortest and makes Obama look like a genius.
Obama did it to discredit the whole "bin Laden is alive" operation.
Assuming al Quaeda and them are not getting video messages, Obama just did the equivalent of popping into the chans to tell what some epic troll really is. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't. But no one is going to view that anonymous person they thought was so cool the same way again. There will always be that undercurrent of, "How do I know this is really him and not someone posing as him anonymously?" It was a shrewd move to cost the operation credibility.
Kind of far out? I guess so. But I would frankly rather hope that that is the answer instead of my second theory, not so much because of what it means about Obama so much as what it means about the American electorate. Even without the Art Bell angle, this is going to get ugly. So I ask everyone to please wait until I finish explaining my idea.
The second theory is Obama made up a story about killing bin Laden to gain election support and win re-election.
There is no denying that the general public has become more "America! Fuck Yeah!" from the time of the Iraqi War. It's probably higher now than it was back in the Reagan 80's with Rambo, a mass murderer and insane war vet who somehow became known as the greatest patriot ever. Obama won the election against John McCain with his appeals to a constituency that believed that he would never do what Shrub did. He wouldn't drag us into foreign conflicts we had no business in. Or if he did, we would be in, out, and done, no mistakes. Instead, we see the Libyan conflict becoming a cluster fuck. Obama sent troops without authorization, exposing Veep Joe Biden as a hypocrite (he complained about Shrub not seeking Congressional approval for his troop build-ups, but defended Obama doing it. Which is it?). Then a drone gets shot down, wrong targets are hit, a bomb delivered to Ghaddafi's doorstep kills his son but misses him. His core supporters who saw him as a dove are feeling betrayed. Sarah Palin still has a lot of support, and Donald Trump inexplicably is gaining traction. Either one could simply rewrite Reagan's campaign slogan against Jimmy Carter "Just ask yourself this -- are you better off now than you were four years ago?" and get a lot of support. Remember, politicians do not play dice. They will not do something unless there is an excellent chance of whatever they are doing succeeding.
So Obama needs support. And fast.
And as the AFY! voting block continues to grow, it has an opening that can be exploited. Palin hasn't attacked anything other than a moose. Trump probably hires people to do game hunting for him. Obama is in a position to get them to go, "Hey! He's on our side after all! He won't let America get pushed around!" And since all they want is some symbol, a flag to rally round, not actual results, tell everyone he found bin Laden and had him killed. He doesn't have proof? Who cares! We got bin Laden!
I could be wrong. I'm just not sure how hard I should be hoping that I'm wrong.