Sorry. I need a moment before I continue.
The Wireless Center has a mascot, some guy in a gorilla costume.
"I noticed a kid in the bushes. Then he just emerged, dressed up as a banana, and sprinted as fast as he could at our gorilla," said Brandon Parham, the manager. "The kid just speared our gorilla. The kid was in mid-air, flying. He just looked like a Spartan from that movie '300,' except he was a banana. After he got tackled, the gorilla just got back up and adjusted his head. He kept on waving his sign around."
I had a dream like that once. Woke up in a straight jacket.
Parham added, "This is just bizarre. It's really not normal of the food chain. That's not really how this works. The gorilla should have won." Police were unable to locate the banana and believe it was prank.
If you think I'm making this up (and, frankly, I wouldn't blame you in the least), here's the report complete with video footage.
On the one hand, I feel a lot better about myself. On the other hand -- well, thank God my life is half over.