I was enjoying a fast lunch of ramen noodles and trying to figure out how to get out of visiting my sister and her husband when a knock came from my door. Come in, I called.
"Hello. I'm Mitt Romney. I understand you are looking for a politician to bash. I'm your man."
Oh, yes. I remember you from the 2008 Republican Primaries.
"Then you are already familiar with my record. I'm sure you will agree that, when it comes to politicians to bash, I bring a lot to the table."
That you do. Although, frankly, you're old news. There's a lot of younger, hungrier people who are better targets. Why should I pick you?
"Because I have recently done something very very bad."
Stampeding cattle? Through the Vatican?
"Nope. I skirted campaign finance laws in general, and your precious McCain-Feingold in particular."
Okay, what happened?
"Well, you know about Restore Our Future, right?"
Yeah, it's a super PAC started by former aides of yours that is pushing you for President. Just like how Priorities USA was started by former White House aides like former Deputy Press Secretary Bill Burton to help with Obama's re-election campaign.
"No fooling you when it comes to politics, is there? Well, Restore Our Future got a $1 million donation from W Spann LLC."
That's just a generic dodge around campaign finance. You can only give $2,500 directly to a candidate, but you can give all you want to PACs. If you want me to bash you, you got to give me something better than that.
"Well, W Spann was first incorporated in Delaware in March of this year by Boston lawyer Cameron Casey. They gave Restore Our Future the mil six weeks later, then Casey dissolved the firm on July 12. Restore Our Future made it's first campaign filing two weeks later. The address listed for W Spann LLC? It's for a midtown Manhattan office building, but no records exist of them being there. No paper trail whatsoever."
Ah, NOW you're talking! So who was it that really gave the money?
"Edward W. Conard, a former Bain Capital managing director."
You're just saying that.
"Oh, no. Politico dug him up, and both Restore Our Futures and Conard have issued press releases saying it's him."
Very nice! I'm gonna keep you at the top of the pile, but I think you're my guy.
"When can I expect to hear if you're going to bash me?"
Oh, you'll hear.