Peter G (sinetimore) wrote,
Peter G
sinetimore

Next Person To Say, "Wolverine's Gone Squirrelly" Gets A Kick In The Nuts

You know, Edward R. Murrow didn't go through this shit.  I can't believe I'm actually having to write about this.  Let me take a pull on the ol' Southern Comfort, and I'll get started.

I get home from work, and there are three emails from online buddies, each asking me the same question -- exactly how old is Doreen Green, a.k.a. Squirrel Girl from Marvel Comics?

I respond, I'm not exactly sure, but I believe she's still in high school.

As they say, if you want answers on the Internet, don't post questions, post mistakes.  Suddenly, a forum started jabbering about how she is in college and that Wolverine isn't guilty of statutory rape.

Wait...what?!?

The Marvel Universe is home to aaaaaaaall kinds of psychologically weird sex.  For example, in the Ultimates line, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are brother and sister, and consummate their incestuous love while Wolverine (their quite possible father) watches from the bushes.  Charles Xavier has all kinds of problems.  His infatuation with Jean Grey, who he treated and raised like a daughter, is pretty mild compared to this panel on the right, where he has psychically stimulated an orgasm in Dani while he wishes he could feel something below the waist from this.  There was also the time his evil side tried to rape Kitty Pryde (Kitty, at the time, was possessed by an evil warlord from the microverse, but later, it's implied the real Kitty wouldn't have resisted Xavier's advances.  And this is why smart parents don't let Chris Claremont babysit their kids).  There's a future timeline where the Hulk wants to reproduce and selects She-Hulk, his cousin, to be his incubator.  Nurse Annie banged Havok while he was in a coma.  Marcus, Immortius, and Ms. Marvel.  Cyclops and Emma Frost getting busy on Jean Grey's grave.  I'm starting to think the whole reason Spider-Man's marriage to MJ was erased was because it was reciprocal and loving, and that just couldn't stand.  I love that Mark Millar, Jim Shooter, and Chuck Austen write shit like this, and I'm the weird one for writing and drawing comics with mermaids.  Jeeeeeeezus.

So, that's out of the way.  What prompted this is a posting from Eye on Comics, asking if Wolverine committed statutory rape.  Remember that disturbing scene in the Wolverine comic where Wolverine harbors sexual fantasies about Squirrel Girl?  Here's what inspired it, from New Avengers v2 #7, written by Brian Michael Bendis:



Notice that Squirrel Girl calls him "James".  Wolvie didn't know his name was James until House Of M, which, in Marvel time, only happened a few months to about a year ago.  This has everyone asking how old Squirrel Girl is.

Squirrel Girl does apparently attend New York University now (she goes there when she's not nannying Luke Cage's kid).  I suppose she's legal, and was at the time, but it's a fine line.

However, this isn't what is so disturbing about all this.  Everyone is missing the point.  It is the same point that I slam the Twilight series on -- you have a sexual relationship between a guy who is over a century old and a teenager.  Edward is bad enough, but the squick he induces is nothing compared to Wolverine, who frequently mentors young girls in the Marvel Universe.  Kitty Pryde.  Jubilee.  Pixie.  X-23.  This really adds a new layer of gross to this.  (This isn't helped by Marvel's Girl Comics, which, IIRC, had a couple of stories where girls brag they are old enough to bag Wolverine now.)

Dan Slott once said the real She-Hulk didn't sleep with Juggernaut, it was one from an alternate timeline.  I can only hope that isn't the real Squirrel Girl and just a Skrull left over from Secret Invasion.  Lord, hear our prayer.
Tags: art, comic books, comics, destroying childhood memories, did not do the research, fandom wank, haven't we suffered enough, infernal gall, let's talk about sex bay-bee!, lord hear our prayer, nightmare fuel, wrong on every level, wtf
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