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I got an envelope in the mail the other day.  "2012 Presidential Platform Survey."

"NOTICE:  This DOCUMENT IS REGISTERED to the individual named below and must be accounted for during tabulation.  (Yes, that is exactly what the form says, colors, bold, everything.  -- G)  If you choose not to participate in this official Presidential Platform Survey, sign and return this Document using the postage-paid envelope provided."  All that is visible through the window on the envelope.

Well, shit, that sounds pretty official.  I guess I better fill it out soon.

No overtime tonight, time to catch up on stuff.  I have all my Sound Waves comics for the year penciled and inked and I'm about to start on my next Doctor Whooves fan comic.  Sitting right on top of my drawing paper is the survey.  Ah, shouldn't take long to do, let's get this over with.

I open it, and just below all them there words, where the envelope blocks the view, is "OFFICIAL REPUBLICAN PARTY DOCUMENT - DO NOT DESTROY".

They are telling a lifelong antidisestablishmentarian with an as-yet-unabated hatred of the world not to destroy an official document of the Establishment.  Pop quiz:  what are the chances of this working?  I'm still trying to figure out how the fuck I wound up on their mailing list.  The Democrats haven't sent me one of these.  Hell, the Libertarians haven't, and I got an email from them when I put up a broken link!

I skim the survey with all its leading questions ("Exposing Obama's radical left-wing policies -- Very important, somewhat important, not important."  Any chance of exposing your own radical right-wing policies while you're at it?) and get to the end.  Bullshit coming....

_  YES! I want to help elect the next Republican President and Republicans to office at all levels of government who will fight for the conservative values and principles that I hold dear (you know, like ACTA and SOPA?  -- G) -- And (sic) get our nation's economy back on track and growing with free market capitalism and entrepreneurship (the R's are just as guilty of manipulating the market for the sake of big business as the D's are, don't give me that shit.  -- G).  I am enclosing a personal contribution of:  _ $35  _ $50  _ $70 _$100 _ $250 _ $500 (Aren't these the same clowns who keep saying there's a recession going on and people are having trouble with money?  -- G) _ Other

Bullshit imminent....

_ No.  I do not wish to participate.  But I am returning my Questionnaire with a personal contribution to help build the Republican Party's national campaign to defeat Barack Obama and elect Republicans to all levels of government in 2012.  I am enclosing: _ $35  _ $50  _ $70 _$100 _ $250 _ $500 _ Other

RED ALERT!  HERE COMES THE BULLSHIT!

_  No.  I do not wish to participate, but I am returning this Document with a sponsoring contribution of $15 to help cover tabulating my Survey.  (Emphasis mine.  -- G)

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!?  I DIDN'T EVEN ASK TO PARTICIPATE IN YOUR BULLSHIT SURVEY, YOU SAY IT MUST BE ACCOUNTED FOR, AND YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING CHARGE ME FOR DECLINING BUT STILL GIVING YOU INFORMATION TO PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST AND SELL MY INFO TO OTHER MAILING LISTS?!?

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK  YOU!

You want your $15 goddamn dollars?  Come see me, I'll shove it up my Polish ass, and you can dig it out yourself.  This is reason enough for me to refuse to vote for a Republican in any election period, and any election that does not have a Libertarian or third party candidate?  I may just vote Democrat.

Gary Johnson for President!  (That's just to make sure everyone knows I'm joking about the "Twilight Sparkle for President" thing.)

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
mornblade
May. 17th, 2012 06:06 am (UTC)
I got the same survey, and threw it away. Today I got my official membership card for the Illinois Republican Party, once again asking for money (once again, going in the garbage).

In my case, I understand how I am getting this crap. I am a card carrying member of the NRA after all, and I donated money to Ron Paul's campaign. NRA love Republicans, Ron Paul (officially) is a Republican (but is in reality a Libertarian).

How you got the survey, I have NO clue.


RON PAUL 2012!!! (otherwise I am voting for Bill and Opus)
elven_ranger
May. 17th, 2012 10:38 am (UTC)
WHAT THE FUCK? I would refuse to pay as well.
Surely... I hope....thats illegal of them.... :(
sinetimore
May. 19th, 2012 11:48 am (UTC)
It's not that it's illegal, it's that they are hoping people are so guilt-ridden or scared that they'll voluntarily comply.

Out here in Illinois, the city of Chicago has a tendency to send people letters saying they have an outstanding ticket for parking illegally, you better pay this off. (I've gotten one myself, and I live an hour outside Chicago and literally hadn't been in the city in years.) But people will look at it, even if the "ticket" proves it isn't them (they had the wrong license plate for my car), and just send in the money in hopes of avoiding a court hearing or warrant or anything. Or, some people go to Chicago and, because parking is such a horror show there, figure they MUST have parked illegally at some point and send in the money.

The tipoff is these documents are required by law to be binding and official, and without that language, they can't force you to do anything. If anyone raises a fuss, they can say they weren't forcing anyone to do anything, THEY just did it, it's THEIR fault they didn't read it closely.

Long story short? It's a shakedown. One that, unfortunately, works often enough to encourage its continued use.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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