"NOTICE: This DOCUMENT IS REGISTERED to the individual named below and must be accounted for during tabulation. (Yes, that is exactly what the form says, colors, bold, everything. -- G) If you choose not to participate in this official Presidential Platform Survey, sign and return this Document using the postage-paid envelope provided." All that is visible through the window on the envelope.
Well, shit, that sounds pretty official. I guess I better fill it out soon.
No overtime tonight, time to catch up on stuff. I have all my Sound Waves comics for the year penciled and inked and I'm about to start on my next Doctor Whooves fan comic. Sitting right on top of my drawing paper is the survey. Ah, shouldn't take long to do, let's get this over with.
I open it, and just below all them there words, where the envelope blocks the view, is "OFFICIAL REPUBLICAN PARTY DOCUMENT - DO NOT DESTROY".
They are telling a lifelong antidisestablishmentarian with an as-yet-unabated hatred of the world not to destroy an official document of the Establishment. Pop quiz: what are the chances of this working? I'm still trying to figure out how the fuck I wound up on their mailing list. The Democrats haven't sent me one of these. Hell, the Libertarians haven't, and I got an email from them when I put up a broken link!
I skim the survey with all its leading questions ("Exposing Obama's radical left-wing policies -- Very important, somewhat important, not important." Any chance of exposing your own radical right-wing policies while you're at it?) and get to the end. Bullshit coming....
_ YES! I want to help elect the next Republican President and Republicans to office at all levels of government who will fight for the conservative values and principles that I hold dear (you know, like ACTA and SOPA? -- G) -- And (sic) get our nation's economy back on track and growing with free market capitalism and entrepreneurship (the R's are just as guilty of manipulating the market for the sake of big business as the D's are, don't give me that shit. -- G). I am enclosing a personal contribution of: _ $35 _ $50 _ $70 _$100 _ $250 _ $500 (Aren't these the same clowns who keep saying there's a recession going on and people are having trouble with money? -- G) _ Other
_ No. I do not wish to participate. But I am returning my Questionnaire with a personal contribution to help build the Republican Party's national campaign to defeat Barack Obama and elect Republicans to all levels of government in 2012. I am enclosing: _ $35 _ $50 _ $70 _$100 _ $250 _ $500 _ Other
RED ALERT! HERE COMES THE BULLSHIT!
_ No. I do not wish to participate, but I am returning this Document with a sponsoring contribution of $15 to help cover tabulating my Survey. (Emphasis mine. -- G)
ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?!? I DIDN'T EVEN ASK TO PARTICIPATE IN YOUR BULLSHIT SURVEY, YOU SAY IT MUST BE ACCOUNTED FOR, AND YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING CHARGE ME FOR DECLINING BUT STILL GIVING YOU INFORMATION TO PUT ME ON YOUR MAILING LIST AND SELL MY INFO TO OTHER MAILING LISTS?!?
You want your $15 goddamn dollars? Come see me, I'll shove it up my Polish ass, and you can dig it out yourself. This is reason enough for me to refuse to vote for a Republican in any election period, and any election that does not have a Libertarian or third party candidate? I may just vote Democrat.
Gary Johnson for President! (That's just to make sure everyone knows I'm joking about the "Twilight Sparkle for President" thing.)