Peter G (sinetimore) wrote,
Peter G

Pour Yourself A Stiffy

Ah, water.  The source of all life.  Next time you go swimming in Tampa Bay, Florida, think about this.

John McQueen is the owner of Anderson McQueen Funeral Home in St. Petersburg, he is giving you some options.  You can be buried, like I would like.  You can be cremated, as many people I know would like.

Or you can be liquified.

It's called "resomation," or "flameless cremation."  It basically sticks you in a giant pressure cooker that liquifies your body.  "I think this will appeal to the more environmentally conscious people who are concerned about reducing the carbon footprint they leave behind," McQueen said.  Uh, dude?  You're making me think of Soylent Green.

The process is simple:  the body is first dressed in a silk gown.  So, no, you can't be wearing your Batman costume as you go.  You are then sealed in the vessel.  Your family can not only watch the machine work, but they have the option of pressing the button, which is either really morbid or The Ultimate Revenge (I can just see people doing Rock Paper Scissors for the right to flip the switch).  At that point, the vessel heats the body to 350 degrees F at high pressure for three hours, leaving behind bone and soup stock.

So, the obvious question is, what do they do after you get turned into The Blob?  Burials are put in a cemetery.  Ashes are put in an urn.  Do they stick you in a Thermos so you can be kept in the refrigerator (and this is why you should watch those expiration dates)?  Nope.  They flush you like a goldfish.  The liquified remains are dumped into the city's municipal water supply.  In fact, there was a hang up with the license until officials were convinced the dumping of the liquified remains didn't pose any harm to living people.

So, the next time you swim in Tampa Bay, you are just a little removed from the dead bodies in the pool scene in Poltergeist.

We started off as daddy's little squirt.  And now....
Tags: don't say i didn't warn you, don't try this at home, i'm such a bitch, science in action, technology is a beautiful thing, things that make you go hmm, this ought to be interesting
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