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The Truth Is Way Way Out There

I pulled up outside the darkened building.  Middle of the night in Chicago, so the cold was biting through my coat.  I picked up my precious cargo and exited the car.  My jacket stiffened, it didn't want to be out here, either.  I hurried to the building, searching for the side door that was unlocked.  I found it, and slipped inside.

I watch too many crime movies.  An empty, unlocked warehouse in the middle of the night rarely ends well.  The only thing that kept me from bolting was knowing that, whoever was here, no one else would want to be around him.  Hell, I didn't want to be around him, but I just couldn't miss this.

I walked carefully, my driving mocs keeping my footsteps very subtle.  I stayed in the shadows on the outside, keeping myself hidden.  I listened carefully, and soon heard breathing.  Not heavy breathing.  Mouth breathing.

This was who I was looking for.

I crept up, and eventually spotted a wooden frame covered with wire mesh.  Inside, reading a book on the history of Atlantis and wearing a tin foil hat, was my contact.  I said in my best baso profundo, Good evening.

He jumped, dropping his book.  He looked where I was, but I stayed concealed in the shadows.  "Who are you?"

Who you were expecting.

He seemed to relax a bit.  "Did you bring it?"

I held up my package.  I then set it on the floor and kicked it across the way.  It stopped by the frame.  He carefully opened a hinged side and came out.  His hair was scraggly, his beard covered with dust and bits of breakfast.  His eyes were wide and eyebrows arched like Denise Austin on a coffee buzz.  He picked up the package and opened it.  I saw him nod his approval.  Rice Krispie Treats made with Fruity Pebbles will do that.

"So, you want to know the truth?"

Yeah.  You said you know some great conspiracy.

"Yes!  It is vast and sweeping!  It's already underway!"

You're burying the lead.  What is it?

"It involves Barack Obama!"

Uh, judges?  BZZZ!  More specific, please.

"It involves Barack Obama and guns!"

I've already heard about how the Newtown Massacre is made up to push his gun control agenda.

"No!  That's just the cover story!  That's not the truth!"

Okay, this better be good.

"It is!"  He looked around conspiratorially.  "What have you heard about the gun enthusiasts lately?"

I've heard they've been buying weapons like crazy because they think they'll be banned.  And buying ammunition.  Some police departments can't get live fire rounds for training for almost a year.

"And why do you think that is?"

Because people think that somehow Congress is going to pass a law banning guns and ammo and it will stick.

"Ah, ha!"

I just looked at him, blinking.  Ah, ha, what?

"When Obama was first elected, he promised to fix the economy, right?"

Yeah....

"And you fix the economy by getting people to spend money instead of hoarding it!"

Saving it.

"Whatever!  And look what happened!  All kinds of Barack Obama merchandise!  Salt and pepper shakers!  Dolls!  Chia pets!  Obama was literally stimulating the economy!"

Yeah, well, that didn't last.  Even his inauguration crowd is about half what it was last time.  He would never get people to spend money on Obama stuff now....

His eyes lit up.  "Yes!  Yes, you see!"

You're saying Obama made these executive orders and proposed this legislation to prompt people to spend money and fix the economy by buying guns and ammo?

"That's exactly what I'm saying!  People can't keep guns, clips, and ammo in stock!  Millions of dollars are being pumped into the economy!  Obama knows none of his proposals, other than the universal background check and that's still debatable, will ever make it through Congress!  Why issue the orders and proposals?  To spur people to spend!"

I thought about this.  This was like a Bugs Bunny cartoon -- it was outlandish, but still made a weird kind of sense.  I shook my head and said, No.  This is too much.  I can't buy into this.  And I watched a movie about oil drillers landing the space shuttle on an asteroid.

"Yeah, you think that now!  But just wait!  When the proposals die, people are going to look around and wonder what the point of all that was!  All the while not realizing they saved the economy without realizing it!"

You're nuts, and I'm out of here.  If you're going to gin up a conspiracy theory, make it something good.

"Well, I got one, but I can't tell it."

Why not?

"Because it's about Kim Kardashian.  That'll get you in REAL trouble!"

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