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Spider Man Applejack

"They have kept us in submission because they have talked about separation of church and state. There is no such thing in the Constitution. It's a lie of the Left, and we're not going to take it anymore."

"That [separation of church and state] was never in the Constitution, however much the liberals laugh at me for saying it, they know good and well it was never in the Constitution! Such language only appeared in the constitution of the communist Soviet Union"

"The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous document for self-government by Christian people. But the minute you turn the document into the hands of non-Christian and atheistic people they can use it to destroy the very foundation of our society."

"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist."


(On the subject of South Africa and apartheid)  "I think 'one man, one vote,' just unrestricted democracy, would not be wise. There needs to be some kind of protection for the minority which the white people represent now, a minority, and they need and have a right to demand a protection of their rights."

"To see Americans become followers of, quote, Islam, is nothing short of insanity. Terry, you know, I've been in Africa many, many, many, many times, and you see people over here learning Swahili, for example. Swahili was the language of the slave traders. The Islamic people, the Arabs, were the ones who captured Africans, put them in slavery, and sent them to America as slaves. Why would people in America want to embrace the religion of the slavers, and the language of the slavers?"

The above quotes are from the special kind of crazy that is Pat Robertson, Southern Baptist, televangelist, failed Presidential candidate, and the man who puts the "mental" in "fundamentalist."  If democracy is the right to say what you think, even if you don't think, Robertson is the poster boy.

Stupid people with media followings usually make me nervous.  Jenny McCarthy, Tom Cruise, lots of noble narcissists who have figured it all out and are going to save us poor heathens from ourselves, are dangerous because they can influence public policy, whether on an individual level (McCarthy getting people to not vaccinate their kids because she claims it can trigger autism) or on a national level (Cruise getting the government to try Scientology's purification process on 9/11 responders).  But Robertson?  Robertson hasn't been a serious threat to anyone since the Fall Of The Televangelists, when Jim and Tammy and Jimmy Swaggart and others were found to have lots of skeletons in their closets and no one could take them seriously as representatives of God anymore.  As a result, Robertson has gone further off the deep end.  If it weren't for the money he made on his ministries, he'd be the guy talking to himself on the back of the bus.  Need proof?  Here's another fun quote:

"The key in terms of mental ability is chess. There's never been a woman Grand Master chess player. Once you get one, then I'll buy some of the feminism."

At the time Dipshit said this, the Chess Federation of the US had already declared two women Grand Masters (they both came from Georgia.  Take that, all you people who like to make fun of Southerners).  And since then, three more women have become Grand Masters.  So, obviously, if there is anyone who deserves my "Did Not Do The Research" tag, it's this mental midget.

So, you're probably thinking that Robertson said something really fucking stupid and I'm about to rip it to shreds.  I have to admit, you're very perceptive.  On Wednesday, May 15, Robertson was doing his shtick on The 700 Club on his Christian Broadcasting Network.  Like many media conglomerates, the network puts portions of the show on YouTube for people who couldn't be bothered to watch who missed the broadcast.  One segment Robertson does is "Ask Pat Robertson Bring It On" where viewers write in and he responds, whether to challenges to his philosophy or just asking advice.  On this day, the writer was a woman seeking marital advice:

"I've been trying to forgive my husband for cheating on me.  We have gone to counseling, but I just can't seem to forgive, nor can I trust.  How do you let go of the anger?  How do you trust again?  God says to forgive, but it's been so hard to.  I want to forgive, so we can get on with our lives. ~ Ivy."

You are advised to stop drinking whatever you have in your hand at the moment.  Robertson's advice?  Get over it, it's the nature of men to cheat.

"Here's the secret -- stop talking about the cheating.  He cheated on you.  Well, he's a man, OK?  Begin to focus on why you married him in the first place, on what he does good, providing a home to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, is he nice to the children, is he handsome?  Essentially fall in love with him all over again.  Give him honor instead of worrying about it.  Recognize also, like it or not, males have a tendency to wander a little bit.  What you want to do is to make a home so wonderful that he doesn't want to wander."

Every done puking?  Great.  Let's move on.

This isn't the first time Robertson has done this.  He was defending General Petraeus for his extramarital affair just this past November.  And never mind that it is insulting to all of us guys who don't and won't cheat on our committed girlfriends (or boyfriends, it covers everyone regardless of religion or orientation).  Oh, and never mind that most affairs don't stem from a lack of satisfaction at home, but the thrill of meeting and dating someone new while keeping a mint condition love at home to fall back on (basically, the Madonna-whore complex writ large).  It's the wife's fault.

Now, some of you may be thinking that I'm about to bring up Robertson quotes about Bill Clinton and his adultery back when he was President.  But I'm not.  Too easy, that shit's for pussies.  Instead, I'm going to go with a few more choice Robertson quotes:

"[The] feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." -- a fundraising letter, 1992.  I would think a husband cheating on his wife would encourage a woman to leave a lot faster than feminism.

"There will never be world peace until God's house and God's people are given their rightful place of leadership at the top of the world. How can there be peace when drunkards, drug dealers, communists, atheists, New Age worshipers of Satan, secular humanists, oppressive dictators, greedy moneychangers, revolutionary assassins, adulterers, and homosexuals are on top?"  -- from his book The New World Order (1991), page 227.

On the subject of Planned Parenthood -- "It is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism -- everything that the Bible condemns."  -- 1991

So which is it, Mr. Robertson?  If it's wrong, why are you changing your stance?  If it's right, why are there millions of men who don't cheat?

Or are you just an asshole who can't wait to throw the first stone?

I know what I'm putting my money on.

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