You will recall on my trip in 2013, I attempted body boarding. It didn't work. I felt disappointed that something that seemed so simple was beyond my grasp.
Well, this year, I decided what I need is a guide. So I have made arrangements to take surfing lessons while I'm down there, and I excitedly told my mom about it.
"Don't do that!"
"There's sharks out there! You'll get killed!"
They're showing Soul Surfer on TV again, aren't they?
I hear my mom has moved the phone away from her face. "Honey! Tell your son not to take surfing lessons!"
I hear my dad, "Why not? It's his vacation, and I'm glad he's trying something different!"
"He could get killed!"
Eventually, my dad gets on the phone, an almost conspiratorial tone in his voice. "I think you should do it, but your mom says you shouldn't."
I'm 43. If I want to surf, then I damn well will.
"Maybe you shouldn't have mentioned it until after the trip. Maybe you should...make something up next time she asks?"
But I'm such a bitch. Who knows what I'll say?
"I'm anxious to find out."
Shift to today. Talking with mom. Almost all arrangements are done and final (plane ticket, rental car, where I'm staying, etc.).
"So, no surfing."
"So, what are you going to do instead?"
I'm going to get my scrotum waxed.
I hear my mom drop the phone on the floor and scream at my dad to tell me what I said to my mother wasn't appropriate.
He gets on, and he's not bothering to hide his voice. "What exactly did you tell her?!? Her face is burning red!"
I told her I was going to get my scrotum waxed. I was originally going to say, take a ride on the Chum Guzzler, but I thought the waxing would have more impact.
My dad laughs, "You are such a bitch!"
Get it, girlfriend!