Peter G (sinetimore) wrote,
Peter G

Pieces Of You

"Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch, we are free."
V For Vendetta

I don't look in the mirror much.  I have an aversion to it.  I can look long enough to shave, I can catch my reflection while I brush my teeth in the morning.  But for the most part, I simply don't notice myself in the mirror.   I make a conscious effort to do so.

The reason is simple:  I'm not a big fan of what I see there.

Oh, I don't think I'm that bad.  I don't think I'm ugly, need to lose weight but not a critical amount, I made peace with my body's changes before they began.  It's what lies behind the eyes that I don't like.  I can check my appearance as long as I don't make eye contact with myself.  For all the positive qualities about myself, my loyalty, my sense of humor, my intelligence, my compassion, I don't think I've come all that far in my life.  I look back and I don't see accomplishments.  Just one setback after another.

Every day is me trying whatever is within my power and my ethics to be able to meet my own gaze in the morning.

Some of the setbacks, or things I've missed out on, or just plain failures, are the result of things larger than myself, sure.  There are also things where there is no one to blame but myself.  I made a wrong choice.  And here I am.

Although, sometimes, that wrong choice is actually the right choice.  I have always said the greatest sin anyone can commit is to forget where they came from.  Where they don't improve themselves, but change themselves in so fundamental a way that they are literally no longer who they were.

The sin of forgetting where you came from becomes easier to do and easier to justify, easier to forget it happened, when you are working on something bigger than you.  Something that has import and meaning to more than you and your immediate sphere.  When it can reach and inspire other people from all walks of life from all places in the world.

And a sort of psychological blackmail kicks in.  Do you support The Mission, or do you look at the people running The Mission and refuse to help them?

It's strange to watch something that meant so much to you, that you saw create positive change, get turned into a haven for horrible behavior just because it is too important to let those behind it get in the way.  Some people can make peace with that, and support The Mission.  I don't know how they do it.  And I bear them no ill will, wish no harm on them.  They've evaluated things, just like I have.  They've reached their conclusion, I've reached mine.  That's all there is to it.

It's the people behind the scenes, the ones who have put people in this noxious position, of forcing them to choose between their personal ethics and The Mission, that infuriate me.  Who so casually do things and shrug at the detractors.  Who peel off the skin, showing what goes straight to the bone.

I look in the mirror, and I see my flaws.

And I wonder how no one else seems to see theirs'.
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