Peter G (sinetimore) wrote,
Peter G
sinetimore

COVID And Coworkers -- A Tale Of Revenge

Screw it, I’m not waiting for the weekend. Gather around, for PeeGee has a funny story for you….

At the risk of stating the patently obvious, people at my regular job think I’m weird. I know, it sounds crazy, but I swear it’s true. Now, most just see me as an odd duck and that’s it.

However, there are a handful who see me not as someone just enjoying what he can of life, but as something being seriously wrong with him. And chief among them is this one woman. Let’s call her “Helen.” Helen likes taking cute little swipes at me when she can, for whatever she can. Am I dragging my feet? “Boy, I’ll be those boots are heavy, huh, Pete?” Wearing my Guardians Of The Galaxy shirt? “Comic books are for children. You are such a man-baby.”

Usually, I ignore her. She has a lot of pull with management. They know she’s a jerk, but she’s also good at her job, so they do what they can to placate her. Which means, if she gets upset with you, you need to apologize to her, even if you were in the right.

When lockdown started, management gave a wider berth for conflict because everyone was stressed, everyone was scared, and this couldn’t be helped. At lunch one time, there was a news report about studies that were heading towards a vaccine. I turned up the TV so I could hear.

Helen went on a rant about how this was a government plot to trick people into turning over their personal information and health records and such. It was why Trump was telling everyone The Virus was no big deal, because these rogue agencies were trying to control the populous.

I hit my limit. I told her Trump was full of shit and asked her if she had any idea what the science behind all this was.

“You read comic books. What do know about science?”

And where do you get your information from?

“From smart people!” She then pulled up an article on her phone and stuck it in my face.

An article by Alex Jones.

I grabbed the newspaper in front of me, buried myself in it, and said, “You’re too stupid to talk to.”

That got screaming at me. Management got involved. I refused to apologize. Eventually, I found out they told her I apologized and admitted I was wrong, which calmed her down and explained the smug look on her face every time I saw her. I didn’t get written up, as I hadn’t done anything they could really pin on me. But they made it clear they did not approve of my defiance.


Cut to Thursday. I got the vaccine. Everyone knew it, it was schedule in to my work day. The person who answered the phone was Helen, who promptly took a couple of swipes at me before hanging up. I did my best to calm down, and went to get the shot.

The process was quick and barely noticeable. Time to drive to work to finish the day. And on the way in, I had an idea.

An awful, AWFUL idea.

I stopped at Walgreens and grabbed myself a bag of Pop Rocks and a bottle of Sprite. I pre-opened the bag and smuggled them on my person until Helen was around. I already had the Sprite bottle out and open. I started talking with everyone about the shot. She, of course, made sure to make her opinion known. “Well, I’m not getting injected with that shit! You don’t know what it will do to you!” And started spouting all sorts of stuff.

During the break in the attention, I shoveled the Pop Rocks into my mouth. I then took a healthy drag on the Sprite.

For those that never did this as kids, let me explain how this works – Pop Rocks are basically sugar crystals with extra carbon dioxide trapped in the structures. Once liquid hits it, the sugar structures collapse and the carbon dioxide is released, creating a fizzy effect. Mixing the Pop Rocks with soda compounds the CO2 release in both elements, like a smaller scale version of the Diet Coke and Mentos thing. As kids, we would put Pop Rocks in our mouth, take a pull of soda, but not swallow. The challenge was to see how long you could hold it in your mouth before the gas release exploded from your mouth like a Kool-Aid commercial. It was fun, it was competitive, and it was a big, sticky, stinky mess. Perfect for kids. (We played this game because Chubby Bunny was for bitches.)

In the middle of Helen’s pontificating on the vaccine and people like me who were behaving like sheep, my cheeks started swelling up like Miles Davis in his prime. I made a noise. This got everyone’s attention, but especially hers. She was clearly wondering if I was just trying to act cute or if something was wrong.

At that point, I could feel the break starting. I dashed to a garbage can and spewed the whole thing right inside. And because I choose strawberry Pop Rocks, it had the most amazing color.

Helen. Fucking. LOST IT.

She started screaming about how the virus was manufactured by the Democrats and the Chinese to take down Trump. The vaccine was dangerous. The virus wasn’t dangerous. It was a media hoax. The vaccine was population control, meant to incapacitate or kill the population. And so on. And so on. And so on.

I had collapsed onto the floor. I was shaking. People might have thought I was having convulsions, but I was just trying to contain my laughter.

Helen immediately punched out for the day and went home as I “recovered.” I was asked if I wanted to go home, but I said I would be fine.

Only one other person, who knows me too well, seemed unconcerned. Once everyone else was gone, he asked, “Did you really have to do that?”

I simply said, You betcha.

Some people are impressed with their intelligence. Some are impressed with their creativity. I’m impressed with my bitchiness.

Somewhere, Holly Faraday is smiling at me….


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